April 2003
Posted in evewasframed, personal, quizzes/surveys, school on April 30th, 2003 by V.E.April 30, 2003:
I’ve been reading Angel/Spike and Angelus/William slash again and have been itching to write some slash myself… but my Muses haven’t spoken to me in a while. I think they’re also the reason I’m having trouble with the Odds McGee story, although I’ve written a little of that. Not nearly enough, though. And recently I read some Lucius/Harry… and liked it. And it was graphic, of course. That made it more disturbing than normal, on my part. And I don’t know why, exactly, but these quizzes seem appropriate right about now.
Sam
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla
What’s your brand of sexy?
brought to you by Quizilla
A friend of mine asked today at lunch what my ultimate limit is. As in, give her an example of something I’d never do, no matter what the circumstance. I’ve been thinking about it since then. And I haven’t found my ultimate limit yet. I have found a limit if love is discounted. As it is quoted in Kissing Jessica Stein, “That which is done out of love surpasses good and evil.” So, not counting what I’d do out of love, here are my limits: murder, Edge play, coprophilia, watersports, asphyxiaphilia, “bear false witness against my neighbor”, whore myself, condone intolerance, harm someone else on purpose, curse in daily language. All right… Those are my ultimate limits. If I think of anymore, I’ll let you know. Feel free to test me so you can find out more of my limits, if you want, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it. And when love comes into the picture, everything changes. When my love is strong enough, what I will do in its name is limitless. That’s actually pretty sick, if I think about the some of the things I would allow in the name of love. I sort of feel like Buffy when she sent Angel to hell in situations like the ones I can imagine. Counter her love for him and her love for the world. It takes courage and sacrifice to choose the world over True Love.
April 23, 2003:
A friend of mine asked an open question in her deadjournal, which I shall quote and then answer to the best of my ability. It’s been edited for readability. On Sunday, 20 April 2003, at 23:59 PDT, she wrote: “What, to you, is love? … When you hear the word, does it make you happy, sad, infuriated, swoon, frustrated, indifferent, or something else? Is it something that brings a single person to mind? Or perhaps it brings a whole bunch of people to mind? Do you “believe” in it? Have you been “in” love? Do you even think it’s possible to be “in” love? What kind of love is the first that comes to mind? The kind between lovers, the kind within family, the kind between close friends? Do you usually associate love with sex? Do hippies who say crap like “Feel the love!” bug the crap out of you? Please post comments, anonymously if you like.” Now, I’d say just right off that that’s a tall order, you think? With all the question marks and everything. Sigh. This is going to be a long complicated answer. As usual. Here it is, as of today:
Love is complicated. Many people mistake it for something else, or mistake the kind of love they feel for someone and it often gets them into trouble. What is love to me? When I am loved I feel that warm feeling inside and I feel such strong feelings of happiness that all I can do is sing and dance because my heart will have no less of me. When I love someone else it’s often the same feeling, especially when the feeling is returned. More often than not, though, I’ve been feeling sick when I feel the romantic kind of love, because fear is a big part of it. When I hear the word “love” I feel sort of a smiley sadness. Glad that someone thinks they’re in love, wonderful even, if they are, but a great sadness for all those who misunderstand the word and live to tell about it, for the pain is real to someone who’s tasted love and no longer has it to quench their thirst. Love doesn’t really bring anyone to mind, except the Lord and Lady. I know they love me with all their being, and I love them with all of mine. As for love not so divine, however, I’m at a loss. I wrote this poem and it sums up what I think of love.
And when love’s wings enfold you: yield, // Though the sword hidden among the feathers // May wound you.
And when love speaks to you: believe, // Though the voice may shatter your dreams // As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you // So shall love crucify you.
Even as it is for your growth // So is it for your education.
Even as love ascends to your height and caresses // Your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall love descend to your roots and // Shake them in their clinging to the earth.
I don’t really know how to explain it further than that. Love is core shaking. I know many people who have already answered my friend’s post are pessimistic and obviously don’t believe in love’s potential. I pray the Lady soften their hearts and give them someone to love so that they’re not lonely anymore. And, as William Shakespeare said in A Midsummer Night’s Dream:
Nor hath love of any judgement taste, // Wings, and no eyes, figure unheedy haste.
Therefore is love said to be a child, // Because in choice he is so oft’ beguiled.
I believe in love. And I believe in being patient. I know the Lady has someone for me; I’m just not ready for them yet (or they’re not ready for me yet!). When in doubt, close your eyes and reach out. Love will always catch you if you fall, and the Lady and Lord will be right behind heartening us all.
April 21, 2003:
Here sits a pencil with no lead. Every time I look for a pencil, I grab it up. And each time I remember that it has no lead. It also has no eraser of its own, instead a glaring pink cap eraser stuck onto it. I cannot use the pencil with no lead, and I have no extra lead with which to fill it. Yet I do not throw it away. I am not sure why, likely I never will fill it up, but it is still a perfectly good pencil.
When I run out of lead, will I be thrown away?
