September 2004

Tuesday, 28 September 2004:
I’m tired. As I write this, the clock is ticking from 6:42 to 6:43 to 6:44 and so on. And that’s in the morning. And for once I didn’t stay up this late… I woke up this early. I miss home and I’m lonely here without my roommate. I haven’t seen one of my friends here for over a week and I miss him terribly, too. But I refuse to make contact with him because last time he was over in my room, someone from his hall called him and he LIED about where he was to them… As if that wouldn’t hurt my feelings? Bastard. My pride won’t let me talk to him unless he talks to me first, but I miss him so much. It’s aggravating. It’s raining here a little bit. I missed my only class yesterday, and a meeting I really wanted to go to because I’m anti-social and just couldn’t get the nerve up to leave my room. I seriously think something is wrong with me, but I can’t pinpoint what it is. When I leave my room, I feel unsafe sometimes and I don’t like that feeling. Maybe I’m just becoming paranoid. I love my classes, but I just miss them a lot because I’m a loser. I don’t know what to do to make myself just GO. Crap crap crap. Why am I so dumb? Why? Fucking crap, man. Pledging, on the other hand, is going okay. The sisters and the pledges meet every night from 7 to 10 for study hall. Hahaha, I joined the smart sorority. The average GPA is 3.5, cool, huh? I have to go to class today. I MUST. And I WILL.

Sunday, 12 September 2004:
Sometimes I wonder what my life is coming to. Several things have happened recently… a couple of which I NEVER thought would EVER happen, and one about which I’m still unsure. Loneliness has driven me to do things I wouldn’t have ordinarily done. Yesterday was the first 9-11 anniversary that I didn’t feel any remorse since the event itself. I think that’s a good thing. We can’t dwell on the past forever. My job is going all right so far. I haven’t had to actually do much planning of events as yet, but that will change after tonight, I hope. I don’t like bartending much… there’s not much brain involved and it’s hard to do homework down there where it’s loud all the time. Pssh. I miss someone in particular, but I’m not saying whom because it’s against my policy of saying names blah blah blah. I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you, I’ll tell you that. But if I didn’t say it, well, I’d still have felt it. Where’s the sense in that? I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were. I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again. And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can’t talk to me again. And when we meet, which I’m sure we will, all that was there will be there still. I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I’ve moved on. SO MUCH READING!!!! Too much homework, not enough sleep. That’s really bad because I sleep all the time. If I just DID my homework like a normal person, I wouldn’t have so much of it. I miss my roommate, too. Sigh. I’ve done some interesting things recently. Shakes head. There will be no white flag above my door. I’m not giving up, and I’m not giving in.

Saturday, 04 September 2004:
I fucking hate you all.

Viannah E. Duncan

Viannah E. Duncan is a writer and activist hailing originally from Los Angeles. She lives outside of Baltimore, Maryland, and holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Wilkes University. She has a cat, Cleo.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *