Observations made during my trip…

by V.E. on August 29th, 2005

filed under entertainment, favorite, fyi, thoughts, writing

… sometimes in the form of advice. Total observations: 50

Yes, I actually DID experience all of these, or I saw someone else experience them.

General:

  1. Murphy’s Law applies.
  2. Do not act entitled to any more than you paid for; you will only irritate the flight or ground crew and annoy the other passengers.

In the terminal(s):

  1. Specified smoking areas are ingenious.
  2. Airport terminals are excellent places for coming up with news story ideas/characters.
  3. Apparently, even two year olds can be terrorist suspects (and detained as such).
  4. Arguing with security will not get you (or anyone else) through the line any faster.
  5. Acting confused, elated, high, depressed, erratic, et al, won’t help either.
  6. You will taxi for AT LEAST 20 minutes before taking off AND after landing.
  7. The person who taxis the plane to the runway (and who holds the taxiing flashlights) will inevitably be a male around 15 years old who uses his directors as lightsabers and drumsticks simultaneously — and who looks good doing it.
  8. If there is only one flight delayed in the whole airport, it’s yours.
  9. It will be raining at your final destination when you get there — even if you’re going to the hottest, driest place on Earth.
  10. Anyone who tries to get you to do anything for them (or who tries to sell anything to you) is underage, homeless, or both.
  11. If there is a ‘terminal evacuation’ (or an in-flight emergency), breathe deeply, remain calm, and stay out of the way; you are the only one who will.
  12. It is okay to be anxious about flying for the first time and to ask for help; it is NOT okay to make a scene at the gate and prevent the rest of the passengers from boarding.
  13. If you talk about hijacking a plane before you board, you will not board.
  14. The plane WILL leave without you.

On board/In-flight:

  1. The flight deck is located at the front of the aircraft, and federal law requires the crew to tell you so.
  2. Passengers are always loaded on the left side; luggage on the right.
  3. People will talk as loudly and as often as they want to — even if you’re on a red-eye.
  4. The stewards (and/or stewardesses) don’t actually care if you read or listen to the safety information.
  5. Books, magazines, and iPods are a godsend; Gameboys and PSPs with the sound turned all the way up are not.
  6. There are decent people on your flight, but they are not sitting anywhere near you.
  7. If there is any overhead storage space left, it is as far away from your seat as possible.
  8. If there is a very large person, a mother with a small child, or anyone who drools/snores in their sleep, they will be seated next to you.
  9. If there is a mother with her small child next to you, the child will sneeze/cough/puke on you OR poke/pull your hair/face/clothing/jewelry OR do any combination of these activities.
  10. Drunken frat boys on your flight WILL hit on you, no matter how curt you are with them.
  11. There IS such a thing as asking too many questions.
  12. Smoking is not allowed on board, but that doesn’t stop passengers from doing it.
  13. The one time you do not have baggage to put under the seat in front of you, the person next to you will have extra.
  14. If you are on a red-eye, your overhead reading light will not work.
  15. If you are not next to the window, the person who is will keep the shade lowered the entire flight.
  16. If you are not in the aisle seat, the person who is will give you a dirty look every time you get up for something — even if it’s only once.
  17. If you are not sitting in the middle seat, the person who is will have symptoms of a contagious disease.
  18. There are no atheists on any flight — especially when there is turbulence.
  19. If there is a nice person sitting next you, s/he will not speak your language.
  20. If you have a pack of chewing/bubble gum, people will subconsciously pick up on this fact and ask you for a piece.
  21. You cannot keep the pillow/blanket they give you at the beginning of the flight.
  22. If you move a lot or cuddle in your sleep, do NOT fall asleep.
  23. Deodorant is your friend; heavy perfume/cologne is not.
  24. Acting slutty and/or jerking off in the lavatory mid-flight does NOT admit you into the ‘Mile High Club’.
  25. If you are an overly large passenger, don’t be offended if the people around you ask to be reseated. It’s not that they don’t like you; however, you may be squishing them.
  26. Hitting on the stewardess does NOT mean you’re entitled to extra peanuts, or that you’ll get them.
  27. ‘Travel pillows’ are not sufficient for sleep.
  28. There is no such thing as a ‘reclining seat back’, just a seat back that hits your elbow every time the kid next to you decides to re-adjust.
  29. If you did not specify a seating preference upon buying your ticket, you will be seated in the middle over the wing.
  30. “But I wanted a seat near the lavatory for my five year old daughter” does not count as a seating preference.
  31. Do not complain about how terribly the pilot is flying to the other passengers or the crew.
    1. They cannot fix the situation.
    2. If you hate flying, don’t fly.
    3. If you ARE a pilot yourself, you know how bad it COULD be, and this isn’t that bad.
  32. Do not threaten to sue if they don’t have your favorite beverage on board. They are operating an airline, not a soda fountain.

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