2006 February : duncan heights

I’m not sure what to make of this. Is it serious? I watched the whole damn thing… You’d think that SOME of it would EVENTUALLY make sense, even though it’s in another language. And it’s not like this is from the 80′s or something. It’s the most recent Christmas Special. How old are those girls? Is that guy supposed to be handsome and a catch? (Not that he’s not, I just can’t tell from the reactions of the other show participants.) What’s with all the pigtails? What are they playing? Are they competing?

I DON’T GET IT. GAH.

I REALLY need to learn Japanese.

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If you ever watched Power Rangers…

by V.E. on February 13th, 2006

filed under entertainment, fyi, ladyamedeus

Go. Watch this. Now.
Rolling Bomber Special.
Earth Defender Freshmen.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *dies*

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Bennett, I know I fucked up.

by V.E. on February 13th, 2006

filed under health, ladyamedeus, personal, thoughts

Dear Bennett,

I know what I did today frustrated and angered you. I know we went over it before you left school a year ago, but that didn’t seem to matter when I was thinking about it. I don’t know what you want from me, and I don’t know how to ask for comfort and attention without it being a big deal. I don’t know how to just come out and say something like, “Hey Ben, can you please come over? I’m not feeling very well and I need you.” Intellectually, I know how, of course. But it’s really hard for me to do it because it might seem weak on my part. Which is silly, now that I think about it, but you know I have issues with fear and am afraid of too many things.

It’s amazing to me that you are able to make me laugh when I’m crying and you’re feeling shitty yourself. I love you with all my heart for that, but I don’t know what I give back to you, especially after tonight. It was good for me to see that you won’t put up with my behavior when I act that way. I feel like a little kid by testing your limits like that, but I honestly don’t know how to do it another, more mature, way. Thank you for not being TOO angry with me–or maybe you ARE angry with me and I don’t know, but whatever the case, thank you for always being gentle with me. Sometimes I don’t think I’m as fragile as I make myself out to be, and other times I feel like one misinterpreted comment and I’ll fall apart.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about our talk from a couple of nights ago and I think what I did tonight was partially a reaction to that. Since that night I’ve felt really vulnerable and weak. I think in the back of my mind, I needed to revert to being a jerk and using your emotions to make sure I hadn’t pushed you away. That sounds stupid and counter-intuitive when I write it now, but it made sense in my mind when I called you. You were so happy that we’d “gotten over a hurdle” and I didn’t feel like I’d gone over the hurdle with you. I’m a slow learner, and it takes a while for things to sink in. I think I was jealous that you were feeling so good about it when I wasn’t, and I wanted that to change. When you came over and told me that you’d had a bad weekend as well, I’m ashamed to say that I was relieved… misery loves company, after all. I felt better about myself because you were feeling shitty too. I’m sorry I’ve acted so childishly.

I know that you hold back some of your more biting remarks when we talk about things that matter to me, and I was really hurt by what you said about what I do. That is, that you have contempt for people who work for marriage equality in the US. I know you explained it to me after I told you how much that hurt me, but I still can’t shake the feeling that what you say when you’re angry and speaking intellectually is what you really mean. It stings to know that you’ll never really WANT to sign a petition or whatever that means a lot to me. I don’t want you to do something for me that you wouldn’t do anyway. I already have trouble believing that what I do is enough to help change the world (even a little bit) and when you tell me you support me, it doesn’t feel like support. It feels like you’re putting up with it because you don’t want to argue about it all the time.

You know how you feel about loyalty? Well, I feel that way about honesty. It seems odd, but I lie to most people because I don’t want to have to deal with putting my trust in them. Relationships are work, no matter the kind, and I lie so that I don’t have to make many deep ones. I figure, if I lie to the other person, they’re probably lying to me too, and that just takes the pressure off of me to put serious effort into the relationship. But when I tell someone the truth… especially after to weaving an elaborate lie, like I did with you… I expect them to be truthful with me. I feel too open, too vulnerable, when I’m truthful, and I need the other person to be honest with me, too. Ach.. I’m rambling now.

Remember when you were telling me about how Helo feels about Boomer? That’s how I feel about you. I’m angry and hurt when you lie to me, laugh at me, don’t take what I believe in seriously, or argue me down, but when the shit hits the fan, I still love you. I was surprised when you said that you take marriage very seriously–it doesn’t feel like you do, but I guess that shows how much I really know about you. I don’t know what I think about marriage in general–if it’s right for me or not–but I know if I ever DO get married, I’m in it for the long haul. When I think about “until death do us part”, I know that if I ever said those words to someone, I would mean it. It bothers me that many people take marriage and divorce so flippantly, and I try my hardest not to be like that. I’m sorry if I made light of your feelings when we were talking about that the other night.

Okay, I’ve rambled long enough. I hope you find some hope in my words… maybe not in our future, but at least in yours. Please know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you. I love you.

Sincerely,
Viannah

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Johari Window

by V.E. on February 12th, 2006

filed under ladyamedeus, quizzes/surveys

Please click the link and let me know how you see me–if you haven’t already.
My Johari Window
Also… does anyone know who “B-dubs” is?

On another note…

My Japanese Name, etc
Name: Akiko
Meaning: Light and Bright
Power: Control of Air
Flower: white iris
Quote: Kind words do not cost much, yet they accomplish much

You are very kind, curious, and you are sometimes quiet. You are smart so you have a lot of good ideas. Your friends look up to you because of your qualities and unique abilities. You are calm and you are very at peace with the world.

What is your Japanese Name, Quote, Power, and Flower?
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