I need a job!

Gah. I need a job. This is getting ridculous. RIDICULOUS. Every couple of hours I apply for a new job… no luck yet. I have an interview Monday morning for a helper/babysitter/dogwalker/housekeeper-type position… We’ll see. I need to give her some references. Any volunteers? ^_^;;

I was thinking maybe Yager and Katie W.? Or… someone? I’m not sure if I should use close friends since you guys haven’t known me professionally (‘cepting Yager, of course)… But I don’t really have a lot of experience with kids… per se. I mean, I know I’m good with kids, but I don’t have a lot of experience or any references to back that up. Maybe Bobby, since we have worked together technically… even though it wasn’t really with kids… unless your brothers count.

But the kid I would be taking care of is only 5, so I’m not sure how much the experiences I have had actually apply.

Well, that’s it, then; some answers to my own questions…

These are questions I asked myself (and no one inparticular) in my last post. After spending the day in Manhattan, actually meeting (quite by accident) Elvira, Bennett’s new girlfriend, and spending some time with Bennett this evening, I have some answers for myself.

Why do I still feel so hurt? Because what he did was wrong, regardless of what I did in the past.

Isn’t this a fair trade? Yes, it probably is a fair trade, but I don’t think relationships should be about “trading”–they should be about mutual giving. The members of a relationship shouldn’t (or shouldn’t have to) keep a tally of all the good and bad the other person has done and then act according to that tally. Each person must strive to do good in the other person’s life, at least as much as they are able.

Do my beliefs need adjustment, or do his? His do. Bennett is an angry, confused young man whose new girlfriend is rather territorial of him and who he can’t stand to wake up next to. Frankly, I don’t know what’s holding their relationship together, but whatever it is, I doubt it will last long. I don’t know what he believes; I don’t think he knows what he believes. I need to stop trying to accomodate him and start accomodating me.

Am I willing to “share” a person? Yes, but not under these circumstances. Polyamory should be a decision made mutually between all the parties involved. Everyone should know what they’re getting themselves into and the group should have regular “check ups” to make sure everyone is (still) on the same page. This situation is far from ideal and the decision to begin a new relationship was made by one of us, not both.

Am I justifying continuing a relationship with him? Yes, and that needs to stop. In all honesty, Bennett broke up with me, not the other way around, and I need to take that at face value. After cheating on me (since January!) with another woman, he chose her, and I need to accept that and move on. Getting dumped always hurts, it messes up a rhythm, and it takes a while to get back “in the swing of things,” as it were. I know that; now I must act on it.

Have I thought it out enough? At the time this question was posed, no, I hadn’t thought it out enough. (I likely still haven’t.) I’m still working on this… more thinking + better understanding of the situation = better decision-making.

Am I setting myself up to be hurt (again)? Yes, most definitely. Bennett told me from the beginning of our relationship that the relationship would eventually end. He knew I wasn’t/am not “the One” from the start; he told me over and over that our romance would end sooner or later… It just happened to be much sooner than I wanted it to be. But, now that it’s happened, I need to let him go live his life as he feels he should.

Does it matter what other people think of me if I know I am helping someone I love? In theory, no. Unfortunately, I don’t know how much I’d actually be helping Bennett if I gave him what he wants/wanted. I think I may actually help him more by sticking to my guns and resisting the temptation to touch him and hold him like I want to so desperately.

How far am I willing to go? For the right person, I’d do anything. I hate saying this, but I don’t think Bennett is the right person. I must step back and wait for him to ask for help, and, if he asks me, I’ll reconsider my options.

Even if I am willing to go the distance and turn against the advice of many of my friends to help Bennett, what about this other girl? Assuming I was willing to do what needed to be done, I would have to tread cafefully (as I said in my last post). Elvira freaked out after I met her today; apparently, (according to Bennett) she’s “afraid [I am] trying to steal [him] back” from her. I don’t know if those were her words or not, but if they were, I’m inclined to like her much less–“stealing someone back” implies that the person was “stolen” in the first place. In this case, she would’ve had to “steal” him from me first for me to be able to “steal him back.” If she “stole him” from me, she knew he was dating me and hit on/seduced/made passes at him anyway. That is seriously not cool.

How am I to handle her? How will she handle me? Bennett is worried that she might pick a fight with me over him. I’m not sure how much of that is his ego talking, but if she’s as feisty as he makes her out to be, I wouldn’t put it past her to pick a fight with one of his ex-girlfriends. When I met her this morning, we were civil to one another and I didn’t feel any tension between us, but that may be because I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt all along. As per her “small crisis” (Bennett’s words, not mine) this afternoon, it’s safe to say she didn’t feel the same about me. I am, apparently, a threat.

Will she even know about me? Well, I don’t know how much Ben had previously told her about me or our relationship, but she sure as hell knows about me now! That said, if I were to continue a relationship with Bennett, it’s unlikely he would divulge said information to her, especially now that she’s revealed her streak of jealousy.

Will Bennett still lie to me about her? Will he lie about me to her? I’d like to be optimistic about this, but it’s unlikely that Ben would tell either of us the truth. His “honesty track record,” so to speak, has seriously gone down the shitter, if you ask me. He’s lied to everyone he knows–and not just little white lies, either–big lies.

Will we get along? Are we even going to speak to each other? If Elvira and I met under different circumstances, we may have become friends. She reminds me of my best friend in elementary school, Victoria, so I’m pretty sure we’d have at least gotten along. As it stands now, however, it’s unlikely that anything good will come out of my trying to be friends with her, or she with me. I doubt we’ll ever speak to each other beyond what is absolutely necessary to pass as polite.

How is this “sister girlfriend” thing going to work? Am I being idealistic to think that such a situation can even work at all? It won’t work, at least not the way things are set up right now. I don’t think I’m being too much of an idealist when I say that poly-amorous relationships can work… but… not under circumstances like these. If we were to pursue polyamory, it would be tense at best and would doubtful end well.

So, there you have it… after more thought this morning and early afternoon, I just cannot go into something like this–what is currently being offered to me–with a clear conscience. I miss Bennett terribly, but he made his choice–and it wasn’t me–and I need to move on to better things.

I did something stupid.

I did a stupid thing. I asked Bennett why he cheated on me. I asked when he started lying to me. I thought I was okay enough to handle it, but I wasn’t. I’m not a total wreck or anything, but my chest hurts like my heart is being ripped out and my back hurts like I’m being stabbed with a sharp pointy object. It’s NOT a fun feeling, to say the least. It was a stupid move on my part for a couple of reasons.

First, it just re-opened a wound that hadn’t healed. It’s been a little over a month since we broke up, but I’m not over it. Not at all. I thought I was getting better, especially since I’ve known about his infidelity since late March, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Second, I assumed that, because I told him that honesty was/is important to me, he would tell me the truth. Which he did… sort of… after I found out on my own. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that (1) it wouldn’t last forever, and (2) he would lie to me to protect me. I told him not to lie to me and entreated him on more than one occasion to tell me if he wanted to see someone else.

My logic was: if he tells me the truth about wanting to break up with me, I’ll know I can trust everything else he told me before the break up (that he loved me and wanted the best for me, etc.)… His logic was: She’s told me what she wants, and I’ve told her what I will give; they don’t quite match up, and that’s okay.

Third, after all this, I still believe him when he says he loves me. Even after he broke my heart–twice–I still have hope that it could eventually work out. I know I can never go back to the way it was before I found out about this other girl, but I believe him when he says that he gets different (positive) things from each of us.

If I was on the outside of this situation, I would tell myself not to be caught up in hope. It sounds cruel (it is cruel), but I would tell myself to give up on the whole thing, especially because he’s hurt me so much this past 4 months or so. But it’s different on the inside. It is easier to forgive him because I know him, and I know that he really didn’t mean to hurt me. His logic is twisted, but that seems okay because it’s him and not someone else. He’s still searching, and our relationship wasn’t going to last–he made that clear from the beginning, but I still manage to hold out hope, even now.

He said something the other night that twisted the knife and forced my heart into my stomach, half out of despair and half out of renewed hope. He said, “…frankly If I could have had my way I would make it such that I still had both of you. You always missed that point. It was never a zero sum game. Love never is… What kills me is that I know it’s not the FACT that I had an affair, it’s the KNOWLEDGE that matters. What the heart does not see the heart does not feel.” It hurt so much to learn that he still wants me and loves me but that he wasn’t willing (or able?? in his current, severely depressed condition) have me on my terms–only his own.

I guess that’s fair. If I want to be with him, it has to be on his terms. I guess it was always on his terms… only now I believe it is/was. There was something I read on one of the forums at RealMentalHealth.com a while ago (and I kick myself every time I think of it because I didn’t bookmark it or anything) written by a woman who was struggling with her husband’s bipolar disorder (or something pretty severe, I don’t remember exactly what)…

Anyway, the woman had asked for advice from the forum about how to deal with her husband’s erratic (and–at times–dangerous) behavior. After a slew of responses like, “I think you should leave him–for your own safety” and “Maybe you should have him committed” she responded with something to the effect of, “You wouldn’t give up on your child, would you? Why are you asking me to give up on my husband? Just because he’s not my flesh and blood doesn’t mean he’s not my family.” She understood that they were trying to help her–she had asked for advice, after all–but she wasn’t willing to do the one thing society would deem acceptable at that point: give up on her husband.

Her statement has had a profound effect on me since I read it sometime last year. I am more patient with transgressions, or, at least, with the transgressors themselves. It was an epiphany, I think. I realised that just because someone has hurt you doesn’t mean you should give up on him or her, especially if that person is hurting also. I may be rationalizing now, but it makes sense more generally, too.

Bennett forgave me a lot of sins I committed while we were together that I don’t think I could’ve forgiven him for if our situations had been reversed. He supported my decision to work as an escort and he supported my decision to stop working as one when I realised that escorting wasn’t something I wanted to continue doing. He supported my (rather rash and ill-thought-out) decision to star in a pornographic film and comforted me when I called him later that evening, hysterical because I’d made a foolish choice. He loved me even when I lied to him.

So, why do I still feel so hurt? Isn’t this a fair trade? Do my beliefs need adjustment, or do his? I have been a poly-amorous woman since I realised that polyamory was even a choice… Bobby and Katie can tell you about my troubles with that during my freshman year in college. -_- I have not always (or ever, I suppose, considering my track record) been the best at explaining my feelings, especially when I have feelings for more than one person at a time. But this wouldn’t be a case where I would be the poly-amorous one; it would be him. I would, in effect, have a “sister girlfriend” (like a polygamous “sister wife”) with whom I wasn’t really involved.

Is that okay with me? Am I willing to “share” a person? I’ve learned through research that polygamy (one man and many wives) is actually good for women in the long run because it’s better to share one rich/intelligent/handsome man than it is to “settle” for someone not as wealthy/smart/attractive; see this article as one example out of many. I know this: Bennett still needs me, and I’m not ready or willing to give up on him yet. Am I justifying continuing a relationship with him? Have I thought it out enough? Am I setting myself up to be hurt (again)? Does it matter what other people think of me if I know I am helping someone I love? How far am I willing to go?

Even if I am willing to go the distance and turn against the advice of many of my friends to help Bennett, what about this other girl? How am I to handle her? How will she handle me? Will she even know about me? Will Bennett still lie to me about her? Will he lie about me to her? I need to tread carefully. From what I know of her, she is tempestuous, judgemental, and an all-around spitfire. Will we get along? Are we even going to speak to each other? How is this “sister girlfriend” thing going to work? Am I being idealistic to think that such a situation can even work at all?

My thoughts continue to reinforce my belief that it wasn’t really the cheating that hurt me (although, yes, it did hurt), it was the lying about it that really tore into my soul. So, if I continue to have a relationship with Bennett, I need to set out some ground rules: (1) Be honest with me. (2) Give me time to accept/adjust to/work out changes in the relationship; don’t just dump them on me. (3) Give me a part in the relationship’s decision-making; don’t cut me out of big choices (like seeing other people). (4) Move out of your parents’ house. Seriously.

I need to sleep on it for a night and then talk it over with a friend or two (maybe Bobby and Katie, if you two are willing ^_^;;).

Update

So, right now I’m in the process of tagging all my previous entries. I ended up importing all four of my LiveJournals’ posts, so now everything is located here, in one place… makes it easier for me since I only need to update one site/journal and easier for other people since they only need to go to one place (here!) to read my thoughts, quizzes, etc. etc. etc. Thanks for sticking with me in this time of transition. I should have things up and running more normally soon.

Second to last post

Libertyville [anti-]Abortion Demonstration
From Horned God to Lucifer
Children of Artemis
Religion beat became a test of faith
Comfort Women
Pagan ritual moves to E. Village

Misogyny would end the day it stopped helping men get laid.

The Democratic-controlled House passed a bill that will allow wide-ranging domestic and foreign eavesdropping that would be authorized by a secret court. What do you think? “You won’t need to eavesdrop to hear this: I voted for you assholes because you said you were against shit like this.”

It’s done!

I’ve officially moved over to Duncan Heights for all my blogging/internet needs. I realised my space was going to waste after paying for three more months of hosting after not having done anything with the first three months! YARG. So, now that I’ve consolidated all my journals [5 Reasons, Lady Amedeus, Eve Amedeus] into one, I can focus on quality more than quantity! Look for more from Duncan Heights soon!