Daily Archives: Monday, 13 April 2009

What the feck?

Dear Bobby,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me in your closet and I saw you sit on my Blink 182 CD. I’m sure you’re ashamed enough to understand that your Ford sucks. I’m returning your old Jonas Brothers blanket to you, but I’ll keep your criminal record as a memory. You should also know that I always will remember the pep talks and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

Please don’t hurt me (go milk a cow!),
V.E.

Here’s how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

KEY: If – Then

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – I’m in love with your cat
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black – Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey – You’re a leprechaun
Yellow – I’m selling myself for candy
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other – I dislike your eyelashes

2. Which is your birth month?
January – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on peanut butter
May – When I finally changed my underwear
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August – When you kicked my butt
September – Last year when you peed your pants
October – That night you picked your nose
November – When your dog humped my leg
December – When I threw up in your sock drawer

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – In your apartment
Chicken – In your car
Pasta – In your closet
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Mac And Cheese Dinner
Lasagna – Outside your office
Kebab – With Jean Chrétien
Seafood – In a clown suit
Sandwiches – At the Elton John concert
Pizza – At the mental ward
Hot dog – Under a street light
Other – With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – Ignore
Red – Put whipped cream on
Black – Hit on
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – bite off
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the pants off of
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive over

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – My boyfriend
White – My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple – My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue – My salt-beef bucket
Yellow – My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange – My Blink 182 CD
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other – The elephant in the corner

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill – Senile
Heroes – Frostbitten
Lost – High
Simpsons – Cowardly
The news – Scarred
American Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Open
Top Model – Middle-class
Other – ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy – How awesome you are
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – that i get turned on only by garbage men
Angry – That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited – That I may pee my pants
Nervous – The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried – That your Ford sucks
Apathetic – That you need a sex-change
Silly – That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly – That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed – That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other – That your driving sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your toe ring
Yellow – Your love letters to me
Red – The pictures from Vegas
Black – Your pet rock
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – Your car
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your nose hair clippers
Grey – Our matching snoopy socks
Purple – Your old Jonas Brothers blanket
Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your Hannah Montana underwear

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B – My virginity
C/D – Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F – Your neighbors dog
G/H – The oil tank from your car
I/J – Your left ear
K/L – The results of that blood-sample
M/N – Your glass eye
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z – Your credit cards

10. The first letter in your last name?
A/B – Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D – Always will remember the pep talks
E/F – Never will forget that nightalway
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L – Hate your cooking
M/N – Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P – Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R – Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T – Always wanted to break your legs
U/V – Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X – Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk – The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – I have a passionate interest for mice
Whiskey – I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia – Greetings to your frog Leonard
France – Love always
Spain – With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan – Go milk a cow
Greece – your everlasting enemy
USA – Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt

Irregular Roundup #2

On Friday, I’ll be taking an early bus to Wilkes-Barre and catching a ride with a friend down to Caledonia State Park for the weekend, where there will be many writer friends but no internet service, so I’m going to try to write posts ahead of time and have them auto-post. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just post the backlog when I return Sunday night or next Monday morning.

I’m not going to complete my goal of finishing my TPS reports before this trip, though I did get one done, which is one more than I had before. I’m hoping to get one or two more before Friday. If I finish, I’ll post ’em here.

In the meantime, here are some more links of interest. Most of them are interesting, but I don’t have enough in my brain about them to warrant an entire post about them.

Three Grammar Rules You Can (and Should) Break: I’ll admit I’m a stickler for not ending a sentence with a preposition, but I never thought about why. I’m modifying my personal rule to something more along the lines of: “Unless it sounds right, do not end a sentence with a preposition.” That leaves some wiggle room without having it get out of control, I’d say.

Danger Is My Middle Name: a punk rock band from Chicago. I gotta admit, I think I’m into punk rock. Related artists/influencers: Fall Out Boy, Green Day. My favorite songs at the moment are Subject to Setback and Revenge on the Radio. They’re playing in New York on April 23. Maybe I can drag Daylin and Jonathon down to watch them with me.

The Global Warming Swimming Pool: an interesting concept, but I think it’d freak me out to swim over all of Manhattan.

I linked this before, but I absolutely love this poem: The Highwayman, by Alfred Noyes. I actually heard it as a song first, and when it made me cry, I knew I had to find the entire poem.

#amazonfailed yesterday when it pulled a bunch of books about LGBT issues, disability, and erotica from its virtual shelves by taking them off the Amazon ranking list, and I’m supremely disappointed. I’ve always liked Amazon, and it makes me sad that I have to boycott them for being asses now, of all times. They say it’s a glitch, but that seems unlikely to me because other “adult books” like Ron Jeremy’s autobiography were not stripped of their rankings. Booo. It’s a pretty sad day when Iowa > Amazon. (Er, no offense meant, Iowa.)

SI; You are *not* the only one: I recently read a bunch of GW fics that involved Duo cutting himself up pretty bad. As some who used to cut myself, I can tell when the author writing about the problem has actually experienced it, and when they haven’t, by the way the experience is described. If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with self-injury, please talk to someone you trust. It’s scary to tell someone about something like that—and I know—but people are only afraid of what they don’t understand. Educate yourself and them and the world will be better off.

The Real Secret to Getting Tons of Blog Subscribers: I don’t actually know what I’d do with myself if I learned that more than a couple of people besides myself were reading this. It’s a private journal in that I write about whatever, I post randomness, and generally ignore the fact that it’s not actually a private journal. I try to have my “real posts” “mean something” but sometimes, I’ve just gotta go with fanart of one of my favorite characters.

Best “in your face, bitches” moment ever: Susan Boyle performed Les Miserables‘ “I Dreamed a Dream” in front of Simon Cowell, et al., and a live audience on the first episode of British show Britain’s Got Talent 2009 season. I still think Simon is a prick, in case anyone cares. Click to see Susan Boyle’s fansite.

1st EDIT: Yes, I know I linked to [not one, but two] of my own posts.
2nd EDIT: And yes, I’m aware I used brackets incorrectly in the previous sentence.
3rd EDIT: To the untrained eye, Duo looks like a girl, I know. But that picture of him is just hot, so it’s the one I linked. If you want more of him, just google “Duo Maxwell” or “Gundam Wing pilots” or something.