Daily Archives: Sunday, 10 January 2010

A Long Distance Conversation

A Long Distance Conversation

“I need to get some things done tomorrow, and if I don’t, I can’t really see myself getting anywhere. I might not have a job unless I can motivate myself out of this pit.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I’m not sure,” he paused, “Perhaps you can call me sometime in the day when the fear has me in its grip and talk me through it.”

“I can do that,” she replied. Then, “…How will I know when that will be?”

“Noon. If I haven’t gotten my things to do done by noon, I’m going to waste the day. I need to make a delivery of financial papers—”

“I get out of class at 12:20,” she interrupted, “is that okay?”

“—Yes, that’s good. And call my boss and beg slash explain. And mail off a parking ticket.”

“Okay. I made a note.” After a moment, she said, “You know it’s going to be okay, right?”

“I’m really afraid that it’s not. But hopefully it will be.”

A long pause.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea for me to see you this weekend? I mean, if you’re trying to get yourself together—”

“I don’t know. I really want to see you. But,” his voice hitched, “I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I don’t want you to spend money to come and see me as a wreck, and I’m worried that I’ll be so glad to see you it’s just going to cover up my problems. But,” he paused, “I also want to be held. Bad.”

“Well, okay,” she kept her voice gentle, “which do you think would be more beneficial?”

“I’m not sure. I’m not even sure about this weekend. I just wish things were simpler. I wish I was working. I wish I wasn’t so fucking petrified.”

“Shhh,” she soothed, “you don’t have to decide right now. I can talk to you tomorrow and we can go from there, okay?”

“Okay.”

“For now, just breathe.” She paused, and he took a deep breath. “Being scared is okay. I would like to see you, but I would like it more for you feel better.”

“I wish I were panicking, but for me fear is a paralytic. I’m just dead.”

“Well, that’s a type of panic—”

“Breathing might help, I guess,” he ventured.

“If nothing else, more oxygen goes to your brain. That can’t be bad.”

He laughed. “Sometimes I think it’s my big stupid brain thinking in circles that’s the problem.”

“So, more acting less thinking?” she asked. “As in: ‘Work now. Moresting later’?”

“I think that ‘Work now, moresting now, thinking about work later’ is more fitting,” he replied. She laughed. “Fucking ain’t exactly the most mental sport in the world,” he paused, thinking, “Certainly has a component, but I think it’s more valuable for what it takes the mind away from…”

They both laughed. “I love yah, girlie’o,” he said.

“I know.”

A Greek Prayer

Eurydice, wait
at the edge of the River Styx
for Charon, who will take you across
that soulful sea to meet Cerberus,
who will eat you three times,
if you let him.

I have placed coins on your glazed
eyes for the ferry and a flute in your cold
hand to charm the dog so that you may pass safely
without me. I pray your great deeds as my wife
allow you into heaven and that you will greet
me with open arms when I meet you there.

I have not been given a second chance
to have you, my Eurydice, and so
I will see you only in death.

— — — —
25 November 2007