2000th post
by V.E. on June 11th, 2010
filed under fyi, personal, recap/review, thoughts, words, wtf
This is my 2000th entry.
I have been writing online since late 2001. I’ve had multiple journals—one I created myself using HTML, a couple of LiveJournals… I have a Facebook page, a Twitter, and a Formspring page. And, I have this: a “real” website with a “real” blog. This website/journal is a compilation of all the other online journals I’ve had; you can find my writing from my original (thankfully retired) website here. You can find all the stuff from my LiveJournal days, and you can find, since earlier this year, a record of my tweets.
This entry comes at a time of bitterness for me for a few reasons. I have no money and no livelihood to speak of. I’m working to rectify that, so all is not lost, but I’m not particularly optimistic. Nevertheless, I have mounting bills that I cannot pay, and that causes discord. I get depressed and lethargic just thinking about the situation. I’m living at home with my parents, which isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, but at my age it isn’t a good thing, either. It feels as though my friends are progressing in life while I’m stuck here, not moving forward… or in any direction at all.
But this week is sad for me because it’s the week (along with next week) my family and I were supposed to hike across the Grand Canyon together. It is, I suppose, another disappointment in a long line of personal disappointments. It’s nobody’s fault, really, but it’s still disappointing. I’d been planning the trip since May 2008, more than two years ago, and it was set to happen—until February. My parents started hiking regularly to work up the endurance for the five-day trip, and my sister and brother were also on board.
I set it up so that we’d be gone for nine days: one travel day on each end, one day to stay at the North Rim before the hike began, two days down the north side, one day the bottom at Phantom Ranch, two days up the south side, and one day to stay at the South Rim and collect ourselves before returning home. I made room and board reservations and excitedly planned it to the last detail. I had maps of the trail(s) we would take, talked about the places we’d stay, and eagerly made arrangements for all of the necessities. Then, we were not granted “back country permit”, something that’s required to actually hike down below the Grand Canyon rim. My father and I hiked the Canyon when I was in sixth grade, and I wanted to share that with my other family members, but it was not to be.
After I was informed that we had not been given a back country permit, I let the subject drop entirely. I didn’t know if there was a way to fight for it, but I was too tired anyway. I didn’t do anything to change or cancel our reservations until it was almost too late, and even then only at the insistence of my parents, whose money was about to be lost. Like I said, it was no one’s fault, at least no one in close relation to me, but I was still utterly beaten.
If we were on the trip now, as was planned, we’d be bedding down for the night at Cottonwood Campground after our first hiking day. We’d probably be sweaty and tired and grumpy from having to walk in a straight line and look at nothing but red rock all day. And I’m missing it terribly.
I don’t know why I keep focusing on all that’s lacking in my life, or all that I perceive to be lacking, for surely I take for granted many things that I shouldn’t or wouldn’t in other circumstances. I’m depressed, I guess, and it’s not really getting better. It’s sad because this post should be a happy one, celebrating all that I’ve accomplished and the chronicling of said. Maybe things will get better in my next 2000 entries.
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