30 Days of Truth 30

Day 30: In a letter to yourself, write everything you love about yourself.

Dear self,

I love your brain. I love that you’re an intelligent person, despite being mixed up or forgetful sometimes. Don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re stupid; you’re not. You’re smarter than anyone who says that, at least.

I love that you can write and that you do.

I love your hair. I like it long, but I know sometimes you just have to cut it, and that’s okay.

I love your scars. I don’t like how you got them, but they’re there, and they tell stories. They say that you’ve survived.

I love that you value patience and thinking things over, but it’s okay not to put up with someone who’s really hurting you. That’s not patience or humility.

I love that you tell stories, but try to remember that just because a story is good, doesn’t make it okay to pretend that it’s real or that it really happened. It really is okay if it’s just a story.

I love that, despite your mixed up brain, you’ve managed to choose (at least eventually) for yourself people who really do care about you and love you.

I love that you’re working on helping yourself, even though I know all you really want to do is hide under the covers and never come out.

I’m so happy that you’ve been able to hold down a job—it’s okay not to be the perfect salesperson, and it’s okay to move on when you’re ready. (Are you ready?)

I love that you’re learning more about yourself everyday and that you’re learning it’s okay to disappoint people. The world won’t end. It’s okay. I’m glad you’re learning to take care of yourself.

I love that you read. I love that you discern.

I love your sense of humor, even if it is a bit twisted and strange.

I’m trying to love you. I’m getting there, I think.

Yours,
me

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.

I would like to put up with less bullshit and not feel guilty for not being “nice” when someone is being an asshole to me. Everyone deserves a fair shake, but no one should be able to walk all over me, much less make me feel bad about it. I want to be able to say “no” when I don’t want to do something and not be guilted into it.

In short, I want to be okay with being called a bitch by people I don’t like anyway.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 27

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I’ve got a good support system for myself, finally, I think. Or rather, I have the skeleton of a good support system. I’m not better yet, but I’m pretty sure I have access to the tools now to get better. That’s the best thing I’ve got going for me right now. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than anything I’ve had since… well, maybe ever.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I have. Often, even. Here’s the thing, though. As a person who’s been depressed enough to want to take that permanent solution, let me just make on thing clear: I have never ever thought about it as “giving up on life”—when I’m thinking about it, it seems more like (1) the only good choice among a plethora of crappy choices, or (2) the only choice I have left that will make any positive impact.

When I’m thinking about it, it’s the only thing that I think will work. I mean, I’m in so much pain and dark emotion that “giving up on life” seems to me like the only way to fix it. Don’t you think that I would do whatever that other thing you’re thinking of if I could? If I thought there was another, better option, of course I would take it.

And just to mention it: don’t you dare call a person who’s committed suicide “selfish”. In that person’s mind, they are actually being selfless. They truly believe the darkness in their own heads and that “giving up” really will make it better for everyone, including themselves. You are thinking about it like a healthy person, which a severely depressed person is not.

Now, that being said: I’ve attempted suicide once in my life and come close on numerous other occasions. In high school, I attempted it but was stopped by someone who’s proven himself a good friend over and over despite my actually being a pretty shitty friend to him. Who the hell knows why he sticks around, but sometimes I think he’s the only sane thing I have in my life.

In college, I voluntarily admitted myself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital as a danger to myself. When the admitting social worker didn’t believe me (though he ended up admitting me anyway), I decided that I was never again going to tolerate such disbelief and, upon being released, began cutting. (I have since stopped, though the urge is still there sometimes.)

Since then, I have waffled between dysthymia and severe depression and the topic—that is, death by my own hand—has often crossed my mind.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose those songs.

Music shall never need explanation—especially songs with lyrics, since lyrics explain themselves—but here’s my list in any case.

Arms – Christina Perri
Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men
Dark Side – Kelly Clarkson
I Miss You – Blink 182
In the Cold, Cold Night – The White Stripes
Collapse the Light into Earth – Porcupine Tree
The Finish Line – Snow Patrol
Slow Me Down – Emmy Rossum
Breathe Me – Sia
Embers – Owl City
Madness – Muse
Where Do I Begin – The Chemical Brothers
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw
Behind Closed Doors – Rise Against
Stray Italian Greyhound – Vienna Teng
Vox Populi – 30 Seconds to Mars
In Between – Linkin Park
We Will Become Silhouettes – The Postal Service
Rebel Heart – The Corrs

30 Days of Truth