December 1, 2003

December 1, 2003:
Yes, I realise I haven’t updated much in the past few months. I blame it all on college. Anyway, I was reading my posts from December 2001, since I just moved a bunch of stuff around internally to make it easier for me (and, perchance, you all lovely fans). You know something I “discovered”? I whine like nothing else. It’s actually pretty pathetic. I officially apologise for all the sorry excuses for updates you people have to perpetually put up with. And I also apologise for the ones you’ll see in the future, for likely I’ll not stop this bad habit of writing all of three sentences and leave you hanging… again.

Sigh. And apparently, I must do that now… how sad. I’m just so tired. I have two weeks of school this semester and I’m basically failing three of my four classes. And I’m not doing too well in the fourth, either. So, I’m going to sleep; I leave you with the lyrics of one of my favourite songs. Enjoy.

Bowl of Oranges by Bright Eyes

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming, / so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open. / Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been. // So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets, / But everything seemed different and completely new to me: / The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body / And each person I encountered, I couldn’t wait to meet. // I came up a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. / I said “(I am terribly sorry but) there is nothing I can do for you that you can’t do for yourself.” / He said “Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help.” / So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. // He said, “I think I’m cured. No, in fact, I’m sure of it. / Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile.” // So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone, / And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. / But when crying don’t help and you can’t compose yourself. / It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope. // That is why I’m singing… / Baby, don’t worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying, / I’m gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can’t, if it just hurts too bad, / then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black. // And we’ll just keep working on the problem we know we’ll never solve of Love’s uneven remainders, / our lives are fractions of a whole. / But if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall. // Then I think we would see the beauty. / Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, / like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

November 2003

November 19, 2003:
Hello hello all. It’s been a while, hasn’t it now? I’ve been in college for a while now… that is, since August 29… I think that’s the right date. Anyway, I’ve gone from sad, scared little freshman to campus savvy college student. In a matter of two and one half months. Not bad, for adjusting to an incredible workload and living with thirty-five other people doing the same thing. It’s made for an interesting time, I must say. So anyway: in one of my classes, Reading and Writing Poetry (my freshman seminar and covers the writing requirement to graduate… if I manage to pass), I was introduced to the idea of editing poetry. That is, writing the poem, putting it a away for a while, then reading it over again and changing some things to make the poem sound better. Now, I know that seems obvious to a lot of people, especially since no one would ever write one draft of anything else and then just leave it like that. It’s not good enough the first time, unless you’re a genius, and there aren’t many of those around, so it’s likely that you know what I’m talking about. Ahem… back on topic. So I discovered the editing of poetry. Now, I know my teacher likes it a lot, and I definitely see the benefit of it, but I think he over emphasises it. I was looking at the poetry I’ve written that’s on this site and noticed it’s certainly not to my potential. That said, I’m in the process (VERY slowly, mind you) of replacing some of the crappy stuff in the Writing section with stuff that’s better and making some of the stuff on there that’s decent excellent. But that’s only for my own writing. And mostly at this point poetry only. SO, in that case, expect some changes in my poetry… yes, I want to change it. Poetry, for those of you against this sort of thing, may be art, but like all other forms of art, it is essentially fluid.

November 11, 2003:
Yes, so many things this edition. First, Samhain came and went and this year I actually planned out and performed a ritual rather than “being spontaneous” like I was last year… which really means I wasn’t organised enough to get anything together before the High Sabbat. Ahem, needless to say, it was a success, so that’s a good thing. Secondly, yesterday was my mother’s birthday. She’s… another year old (yea, you actually thought I was going to tell you, didn’t you?), so if you know her, give her a “Happy Birthday” out in California, will you please?

October 17, 2003

Hallo hullo. The first update in a while, ne? I’ve been having an interesting time here in college. Making new friends is always a good thing. The dining hall (from now on affectionately called “d-hall”) food here isn’t all that great, and it makes some people (myself excluded) sick, but all in all, it’s not all that terrible. My roommate is lovely. I have found stuff to do, including a job on campus (yay, money), and midterms were last week. I survived, more or less. Not doing too well in Sociology, though, and haven’t been to choir in a little under three weeks. But on the upside, I created a list of things I must do before I die (assuming I die at a decent age) and I’ve been looking at classes for next semester. Here’s the list of thing I have to do before I die:

  • Get a book of my own works (poetry, stories, whatever) published and sold at least decently
  • Learn to speak, read, and write in at least three languages (I’ve got one down already: English, and I’m working on a second: German)
  • Learn to play an instrument as well as my father can play the piano
  • Receive a PhD in at least one subject
  • Visit Ireland
  • Raise a child with my life partner
  • Find a life partner
  • Donate a significant amount of my earnings to LGBT friendly organisations and those that are promoting LGBT rights and causes

September 2003

September 25, 2003:
Yes, for those of you (still) wondering, I AM alive. And now you know. Didn’t I tell you people that I update only for myself, not for you? And here I am worrying that people might be worrying about me. Psssh. I have forgotten one of my own rules; I write only for one person: myself. Ahem, anyway. Damn. I had meant to post a really sweet piece by a friend, but I seem to have lost it somewhere in the depths of my computer, so, friend (hopefully you know who you are, since another of my rules is not to use anyone’s name online), if you still have your lovely poetry/thought/whatever-you-like-to-call-it, please please email it to me at my school address, will you? And if you still don’t know who you are, I’ll give you a hint: I nicknamed you Aslan. Nod nod, and rightly so, too. Ahem, so now, with that out of the way (and my most profound apologies), let’s move onward.

How evil are you?

You have been called ‘freak’ and ‘weirdo’ so many times that you’re used to it by now and take it as a compliment.
You would probably get along great with Bjork. Your behavior and actions tend to go against everything normal people are used to.
People don’t usually see eye-to-eye with you and find it hard to understand your quirky habits, controversial ideals and eccentric philosophies, but hey, there’s a fine line between genius and insanity!

Cough cough, so yes, I decided on two quizzes for today, because I’m in a generally good mood. Which, as of late, seems to be unusual. However, maybe it’s the good mood itself that is making me feel different. I haven’t decided. Anyway, a friend of mine wanted to know when a good time to call me is on any given day (since now I’m in college and it isn’t obvious to anyone but me when a good time to talk is). Well, dear, let me stress this much. I hate the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I don’t know why, really, I just do. I’ll tolerate it under necessary circumstances, but I will rarely if EVER just chat on the phone for more than five or ten minutes at a time. I cannot stress enough how much easier it is to just send me an email: I’m guaranteed to answer it more quickly. I hate talking on the phone. Absolutely abhor it. Did I mention I don’t like the phone?

Now, that said, if you just MUST get in touch with me (assuming I have my cell on me at the time, which is unlikely as I treat my cell basically as a landline), here’s my schedule so that you know when NOT to call me unless it’s an emergency. If I have to pick up the phone during a class, someone damn well better be dead or dying or close or else you’re going to have a very angry (not to mention embarrassed) Eve on your hands. And trust me, you don’t want one of those. So, here’s the lay down. Do with it as you please, but don’t call me during these times, especially if you value your sanity and your life, as you know it. (All times are in the American Eastern Time Zone and in military time).

  • Montag: Classes between 9 – 9:50, 11 – 11:50, and 13:30 – 14:20. Martial Arts 16:30 – 17:45. Work 19 – 21. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy 22 – 23.
  • Dienstag: Class 15 – 16:20. Chorus 19:15 – 20:45. Clubs 21 – 00. This is my easiest day, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have stuff to do (like so much homework it’s not even funny).
  • Mittwoch: Classes between 9 – 9:50, 11 – 11:50, and 13:30 – 14:20. Martial Arts 16:30 – 17:45. Work 19 – 21. Clubs 21:30 – 23:30. A word of warning; Do NOT call me am Mittwochs.
  • Donnerstag: Classes between 9 – 9:50 and 15 – 16:20. Chorus 19 – 20:30. ER 22 – 23.
  • Freitag: Classes between 9 – 9:50, 11 – 11:50, and 13:30 – 14:20. Martial Arts 16:30 – 17:45. Other stuff I can’t remember at the moment. I’ll update as necessary.
  • Sonnabend: Whee! I’m pretty much free am Samstags, so if necessary, give me a ring. I do have much, much homework, though, so don’t surprised if I can’t talk to you for long (disregarding the fact I don’t want to talk to you on the phone for long anyway).
  • Sonntag: Prayer, praise, meditation, and rejuvenation 12 – 14. Work 19 – 21.

Waa laa, there you have it. A few other things I should mention before you try calling me. First, I’m generally late to bed and late to rise. That generally means you may call me as late as 1 AM eastern time, but if you call me before 11 AM, you’ll certainly regret it. There are few who may call me at any time whatsoever and they already know who they are. So if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re not one of them, savvy? Second, if I don’t pick up, don’t freak out. Just leave a nice little message with a number at which I can reach you and the latest I may call you, and I’ll get back to you when I can. I don’t carry around my cell, so it’s unlikely I’ll pick up even if I’m available and willing to talk, just for the fact that I don’t have my phone on me. Also, most of the buildings at my school have terrible reception, so even if I DO have my cell with me, it may not have service during the time which you ring. However, my answering service will pick up whether I do or not (and whether or not I have service), so don’t be afraid to speak to it instead. Trust me, you’ll reach me faster if you leave a message than if you don’t. Third: I’ll probably be working out many times during the week that aren’t listed above (as the daily times will change anyway), but I’ll generally pick up if I’m not in a position (while stretching) that is either hard to get into or out of.

And there you have it all: my cell phone-ness. Use it wisely. And do not call me without good reason. Telephones are a necessity in today’s world, true, but I rely on them as little as I can because who knows when they won’t be there anymore?

September 10, 2003:
An article, called “Group tries to rally anti-gay protest”, from Network reads: “The politically conservative Montana Family Coalition said on Tuesday it is launching a media campaign against the increase of gay content on television, with the hit show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” being the group’s main target. // Julie Millam, director of the coalition, said the group will direct its protest to companies that advertise on the highly rated show, which she called “outrageous.” // “To me, that’s not a reality show about gay people,” Millam told the Billings Gazette. “A really good reality show for gay people would be five gay men dying of AIDS.” (The “//” indicates a new paragraph in the actual article.)

Fuck you, Montana Family Coalition. May your eyes be opened and your hatred burnt at the stake. May your children grow up to know the Truth and live genuine, good lives, not follow in your footsteps.

September 7, 2003:
Yes, so I’m manic right now, but it’s been dampened by a friend’s close relative dying. And a couple of days ago (read: my last update), I was depressive. Ah, it’s been a fun week, to be sure. So, anyways, to all of you who read this, have fun. Cough cough, yes. I worked out my former problem of the confession of a deep thing to both of the people I love “like that”, so at least for a while it’ll lay low and we can chill. Oh, and it leaves me worry about other things, like a few of my new friends being so drunk every Friday and Saturday night that they can’t walk. And the rest of us sober people having to stay up with them so they don’t drown in their own vomit. Sigh. And we all do it, too, because we care about each other. Oh, and so everyone knows? MY ROOMMATE ROCKS!!! No, really, she does. Don’t even TRY and contradict that one, savvy? She doesn’t smoke or drink, and I’m soooooo glad she doesn’t because I’m afraid I might be tempted to do one or the other if I didn’t know someone else didn’t want to either. And my friend!! No! One of her close relatives died! I’m soo sorry. I wanted to cry when you said that. I hope you feel better soon. If there’s ANYTHING I can do, you just ring me and I’ll do it lickity split, savvy?

Midnight – You are a deep thinker, always searching
for answers and never quite at home. You are
very contemplative, and enjoy being alone with
your thoughts.

When are you?
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Athena goddess of wisdom and war.

What Greek god or goddess are you like?
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In other more school related news, I’ve finally got all my classes figured out and I know I’m going to have a blast (albeit, a hardworking one, but eh, no pain, no gain, right?)! I’m taking Introduction to Sociology (which has FIVE required books; is that insane or is that insane?), Navigation, Reading and Writing Poetry, and German 101. Yay, I likey my schedule mucho mucho. And oh damn it. I’m feeling all low and down now because a friend is in pain… Don’t ask… it’s the close relative thing again. Damn damn damn. People who are close to you or related to you should never die. It’s wrong. Much cursing is happening in my mind right now.

September 2, 2003:
Okay, I admit it. I seriously fucked up this time. And now I’ve caused one of the people I love to not want to even speak to me anymore. I did a stupid thing and then the stupid thing came back and bit me really hard right where it hurts the most. I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I give anyone permission to whack me a good one the next time they see me, because I certainly deserve it this time. See, it goes like this: I confess to one friend I’m not only in love with him, but also another (mutual) friend. He reacted much better than I expect; that is, he still speaks to me and says he still loves me. I explain my struggle with this issue of “free love” and polygamy, and tell him that this dilemma has occurred in my life before. That time, I explain, I just basically stopped speaking to both of the people who I loved and tried to start over (because there was no way I could have ever or wanted to choose between them), hoping such a situation wouldn’t happen again. Obviously, it has. God, it’s worse than being gay in today’s world. At least there ARE other people who are gay, so one has a support system, but this… this is lonely. So anyway, my spirits are high, and my friend suggests that the three of us should try living with one another after we all graduate from college and see how things go, if we’re all willing. So I’m optimistic.

Then, I talk to my other friend. I’m feeling good about it because my first friend was so receptive. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. I had forgotten that my second friend doesn’t know as much about me as my first friend does, and I spent barely any time with her over the summer, while I spent nearly the whole summer with my first friend. I explain my whole problem to her too, but she has a drastically different reaction (other than the one they both give, which is, “Well, I always thought of him/her more like a brother/sister.”). She basically falls apart. I try to console her, at least as best as I can online (all of this happened over many AOL instant messages), but I’ve never been great at that sort of thing, and she’s pretty much inconsolable anyway. And then, damn it all to hell, I have to leave or she does (I don’t remember) and our conversation is halted until later.

So, later we talk again. She says, after more discussion, that she feels like we should take a break from each other for a while. And she means, not talk to each other for a while. I’m thinking, What? A break from what, exactly? It’s not like anything was happening to begin with! But I say, “All right.” Then I tell her that I disagree, I don’t see the good in not talking to one another, but I respect her, and if she’s not comfortable with talking to me, I’ll go with that. So we say our good byes, she signs off, and I block her so that I don’t forget and IM her without thinking about it. Now, I won’t even know when she’s online. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I certainly hope so. This whole fiasco would never have happened had I just kept my mouth shut. Well, at least one thing’s for sure for now: I don’t have to choose between them. I’ve had my mind made up for me.

Well, to my second friend: I’m hurt by your actions especially because this “Please don’t talk to me” thing has happened to me before. However, I want you to be true to yourself, when you find yourself, even if it means rejecting me and my crazy notions of love. I still love you, but I know I’ve just confused and frustrated and hurt you, and lately it seems that’s all I’ve been doing for you. Giving you evil and no good, and that’s not what I want for you. I want good for you. So, please take all the time you need to find yourself. I’ll be around when you’re ready. Just send an email my way, or if it’s important, call me. Good-bye, Fruit Fly.

Can anyone see why I prefer fantasy to reality?

August 2003

August 31, 2003:
I just finished moving into my dorm. Now I have NO idea what to do with my chest. I thought maybe I’d have room for it somewhere, but it turns out I don’t. I’m listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl soundtrack for like the millionth time and it hasn’t gotten old as yet, at which I’m amazed. My feet and legs hurt like weenies for walking all over the damn campus today (and don’t like the thought of doing the same for the rest of the semester). I’m in Buchanan Hall, second floor, which is affectionately called “2nd Buch”. And I’ll have more details later, when it’s not nearly four in the morning and I can type without making typos every three letters, savvy? Guten Nacht.

August 21, 2003: Ah, ignorance.

I’ve received a number of amusing emails recently. In this edition of Random*Thoughts, I’ll cover two from (the same) someone. Basically, a guy I don’t know emailed to make sure of my sexuality. (He asked if I’m gay or not.) From the first, I quote: “Listen, it’s okay to be gay, but I was wondering if you are? Because your website isn’t specific enough and I’m not sure if you’re bisexual or gay or straight. So, what are you?” And from the second, he writes: “Hey, you never got back to me about whether you’re gay or not. Are you? It’s important to me because if you are, I don’t think I should read your website anymore just in case I become gay from it. Please respond so that I will know for sure.” I was laughing so hard when I read these two emails, I couldn’t even think of responding to them at that time. So, in addition to emailing him today’s Random*Thoughts, I thought it would be appropriate to post them online for the whole world to see, to let you laugh at him with me.

All right, so now that I’ve got that out of the way, here is my reply to this guy’s two emails regarding my sexuality: First, it doesn’t matter what my sexuality is; it doesn’t make me any different from anyone else except I may be romantically interested in different people than you are. I’d look at that as a good thing if I were you; less competition for you, right? Second, I’m not gay, bisexual, OR straight. Hah, don’t think about that for more than five seconds or blood will shoot out your nose. Ahem, inside joke. Anyway, if you really want to put a label on it, look up “pansexual” and “genderqueer”. When you ask my sexuality, that’s the correct (albeit, technical) answer. On a more personal note, I love beauty; both outer and inner beauty, for one catches my eye and the other intrigues my continued attention. Third, just because you read something by someone who is not straight doesn’t make you not straight. Homosexuality is not a disease, and it can’t be “caught” by being in contact with someone who is homosexual. That goes for bisexuality, pansexuality, transexuality, and all other sexualities you can think of. Your sexuality is something with which you’re born. And as far as I’ve determined, it’s permanent and unchangeable. That means there is no such thing as an “ex-gay” person. Ex-gay people are lying to themselves by trying to fit into society’s mould of right and wrong. This might be hard for some people to swallow, but I know. I’ve seriously, personally dealt with the “ex-gay” scene. Many of my friends are ex-ex-gays (that is, were once ex-gays, but realised their mistake, worked through their denial in a much more healthy way, and are now healthy, happy gay people) and I seriously considered the ministry myself in the past. Needless to say, I didn’t go through with the prayer and other methods which are supposed to make a gay person straight, and I’ve never seen ANY of them work on ANYone over long periods of time. However, I HAVE seen many gay people suffer unnecessarily because they can’t “change” and become straight. And I’ve been to two funerals of two gay people who were so distraught that they couldn’t change that they took their own lives. Finally, saying that you’re afraid of becoming gay if you read literature and thoughts written by someone who is not straight just causes me to question YOUR sexuality, not mine. If you’re so worried about “turning” gay, I suspect that you already are. Someone who is sure of who they are and who they are romantically attracted to wouldn’t be worried about such a thing. It’s trivial. In conclusion, sir and the rest of the world, I have faith that you will discover yourself more fully between now and the time the Lady and Lord decide to bring you to the Summerlands. If you decide that you can’t read my writing and Random*Thoughts because of gay vibes, that’s your choice. I don’t even know you. If you read back far enough, you’ll know that I write for one person and one person only on this site. And guess who that person is? Yep, that person is me, savvy? I write for myself and myself only, and I do not represent anyone but myself when I do so. I take full responsibility for everything I write on this website, and all the other websites at which I maintain and/or post.

August 16, 2003:
Watching Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl for the third time in the theatre today before last makes me half wonder why I’m so attracted to the movie in the first place. And wonder why I want to go back and see it again. All right, well, after thinking it over for a while, here’s what I’ve come up with, along with a few related quizzes for all you quiz junkies.

Jack's hat and pistol fetish
You are…

Jack’s hat and pistol fetish! You need to look
good, at all times. You need your hat, and your
gun, and damn the man who takes them from you.
Or woman. Well, at least you have a reason to
enjoy this sort of thing, you look rather good
in both. Go you!

Which Pirates of the Caribbean Character’s Unhealthy Fetish are YOU?
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The Dog with the Keys
You are…

The dog with the keys. Probably the most iconic of
the pirate animals, you are known in both the
movie world and the fast paced world of the
Disney attraction. Though often tempted, you
never waver from your solemn duty. Those stupid
pirates will never get your keys. Honestly, who
died and made YOU boss? Oh right, the cell keeper.

Which Pirates of the Caribbean Animal are You?
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Mad Jack
You’re mad Jack. You’re as crazy as a march hare.

Which of Jack’s multiple personalities are you?
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The full-fledged pirate

What kind of pirate are you? *Pirates of the Caribbean Quiz*
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jack and eliz on island
You are “Welcome to the Caribbean, love.”
You’re more than a little world-weary, but also
intelligent and you keep your head when things
get dodgy. You’re everybody’s favorite
drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get
in the way sometimes.

Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow’s bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
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You’ve Got Captain Jack Sparrow’s Eyes! You’ve Seen
So Much Of The World, And Lost Many Friends And
Dear Posessions.

Which ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’ Eyes Do You Have?
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You’re Jack’s head wrap. You’re cool, you’re an
earmark of a pirate. You’re crafty and useful,
you crave adventure. C’mon admit it, you do

What part of Jack Sparrow’s outfit are you? {Pirates of the Caribbean}
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Rabid Jack fan. You love the kohl, and the drunkenness, and the swagger, but you take it a little too far
You’re a rabid Jack Sparrow fan. You love his kohl,
drunken manner, and all around sexiness, but
you take it a little *too* far

Are you a rabid Pirates of the Caribbean fangirl?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ah, yes, I know that’s a bit much, but it’s all the Pirates quizzes I’ve taken thus far, and it’s an appropriately themed Random*Thought, so I thought I’d indulge just this once on the quiz thing. Now, onto my reasons for obsession. First and foremost, Captain Jack Sparrow’s kohl and long hair. Drool… Need I say more? And the man behind the kohl and ratted hair, the Captain himself, is second and not far behind. Ahem, cough. Yes, so moving on. Third, the musical score. Damn, the main theme is drool worthy in itself, without even considering the characters portrayed by it. Forth: the plotline and the way the characters develop. Fifth: The last line in the movie, “Now, bring me that horizon… (hums)… and really bad eggs. Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho!”. Sixth, Jack’s hat and effects. You just gotta love that, people. Seventh, “Savvy?”. Eighth, the Pirates’ Code, better known as the “Articles of Piracy”. Trust me, if you want to look up the Code online, look it up as the latter, not the former. If you look up the former, you’ll get the Pirates of the Caribbean videogame cheat codes. Not what at least I was looking for when I searched for the “Pirates’ Code”, to be sure. Sheesh. And last but certainly not least, the lovely Elizabeth Swann eye candy. And yes, I admit, I’m a rabid Captain Jack Sparrow fan. Arr! GO Pirates!

August 8, 2003:
Yo. Updating is always fun… ‘Specially when someone’s watching over your shoulder… Quite literally. It’s … … Joyful. Grin. Ahem, anyway, now on with a quizzy or two.

All right, so I’m listening to this song called “Space Cowboy” by the Steve Miller Band. It’s happy. And THANK YOU Sandra Delete for being a dear and working so hard so that Boy Meets Boy would continue to update while you’re away vacationing with your lovlies in Australia. Grin grin. And my friend doesn’t know HTML. It’s very sad, ne? MUHAHAHAHA!! I shall RULE the world!

July 2003

July 29, 2003:
The Seven Deadly Sins Survey


  • Who did you last get angry with?: Annoyed with? Eh, {omitted for privacy}. But actually angry with? I don’t remember; it’s been soo long since I was really angry.
  • What is your weapon of choice?: My mind and my sword. Knives are also good.
  • Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?: Yes, and I have.
  • How about of the same sex?: Yes, and I have.
  • Who was the last person who got really angry at you?: Hm… Good question. {Omitted for privacy}, maybe?
  • What is your pet peeve?: Which one? People talking when they shouldn’t be talking, or not standing up for himself or herself. And people touching my hair. NO! No touchy the hair.
  • Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?: Depends. It depends on how deep the wound goes. I can hold grudges forever, but as a general practice for my mental health, I don’t.


  • What is one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you haven’t done in a long time?: Clean my room. Waah! Must… clean… room… No, too… much junk… Slowly dying…
  • What is the latest you’ve ever woken up?: Um… My sleeping schedule is totally and completely random, so I couldn’t tell you. I just sleep when I’m tired and get up when I’m not.
  • Name a person you’ve been meaning to contact, but haven’t: {Omitted for privacy}
  • What is the last lame excuse you made?: “I’m a kitty. Kitty’s don’t do that.”
  • Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?: Yes, but it was interesting.
  • When was the last time you got a good workout in?: Actually, yesterday. So hah.
  • How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?: None; I turned the alarm off completely because I woke up with a killer headache from it and wasn’t about to go through the pounding in my head it caused more than once.


  • What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?: What the hell is an “overpriced yuppie beverage”, anyway?
  • Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?: {Is not a meat-eater.}
  • What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had in one sitting/outing/event?: None. And I plan on keeping it that way.
  • Have you ever used a professional diet company?: Um, no.
  • Do you have an issue with your weight?: Um… not particularly.
  • Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?: Yes.
  • Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, “LUNCH!”?: No, never. However, people my age? Certainly. Cannibalism; ah, Joy.


  • How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?: Um, Completely naked? Two. Partially naked? More than I can count.
  • How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?: Um, that’s a good question. I don’t really know. At least three.
  • Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?: Not that I can recall, but I’m sure it’s happened.
  • Have you “done it”?: Depends on what your definition of “it” is.
  • What is your favourite body part on a person of your gender of choice?: . . . the Eyes.
  • Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: Yes.
  • Have you ever been tested for an STD or pregnancy?: Yes.


  • How many credit cards do you own?: None.
  • What’s your guilty pleasure store?: Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or any other bookstore. Drooool… books…
  • If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: Pay off my college education, buy a private island, and live there in seclusion for the rest of my life writing, dancing, and playing the violin.
  • Would you rather be rich, or famous?: Rich, hands down.
  • Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: Hmm, with some other conditions, yes.
  • Have you ever stolen anything?: Yes.
  • Five things that you would never give up?: My mind. My hands. My ears. My eyes. My Inspiration. Except when it comes to love. Then, this question is irrelevant because I’d give up anything.


  • What one thing have you done that you’re most proud of?: Hiked across the Grand Canyon in three days.
  • What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?: Earn good grades, got into a good college, and have been a good role model to my little brother and sister.
  • What thing would you like to accomplish in your life?: Help change the world for the better. On a more specific and personal note: learn to play violin well, and learn to pilot an aircraft.
  • Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?: Yes, sometimes, but only when I know I could’ve won.
  • Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?: No.
  • Have you ever cheated or lied on something to get a higher score?: No, never. I’m a thief, not a liar.
  • What did you do today that you’re proud of?: Um… Kept my temper under control. Patience is a virtue, you know.


  • What item of a friend’s would you most want to have for your own?: Unknown. I like what I have now, thanks.
  • Have you ever coveted “your neighbour’s wife”?: No.
  • Who would you want to go on “Trading Spaces” with?: Shouldn’t that be “With whom would you want to go on ‘Trading Spaces’?” And what’s “Trading Spaces”, anyway?
  • If you could be anyone else in the world for a day who would you be?: Mahatma Ghandi or William Shakespeare.
  • Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?: Yes.
  • What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?: True happiness.
  • Finally, what is your favourite deadly sin?: Anger.

July 26, 2003:
For the last time, people: I do not have a livejournal or a deadjournal or a ujournal or any other {fill in whatever you want here}journal. I have never had one, nor do I intend on ever getting one. This website and these Random*Thoughts are not some well paid for elaborate {live/dead/u/whatever}journal set-up. Oh no, my friends, I pay nothing (I’ll repeat that: I pay nothing) for this site save for the time I spend updating and writing source code for the pages. Nothing monetary goes into this site, and the way things are going, I doubt I will ever have a nice paid for site with a pretty domain name without all the pop-ups and banner ads. Sigh. I know, I know, very sad, but I just don’t have cash in large bills growing on trees like I wish I should. Also, in other news, I wrote a poem today on the aeroplane flight home from my last Gay-Straight Alliance Network Board meeting probably ever. I resigned my position as Youth Chairperson, and then we closed the position entirely. It was sad, and I said goodbye to my activist organisation. Ahem… sadness about GSA Network aside, here’s my (as yet untitled) poem, written today:

Remind me never to fly again,
Unless I am piloting the aircraft.
When I am but a passenger

gazing from the little window to my right,
my desire — no, my need — to fly for myself
becomes unbearable.
The pull in my deepest core
tells me to fly,
no matter the circumstances or consequences,
yet I can do nothing but weep…

or pilot.
O, curse my weak eyes and
soaring heart
for I cannot live my dream.
I am sick with envy for
good eyesight again.
If only I could fly unaided.
I should have been born an

So there you have it. I have found my passion. And I cannot become what I want to become because of genetics, damn it. Oh, you say, what about contacts or laser eye surgery? Professional pilots must have 20/20 vision, or correctable by contacts to 20/20. I don’t have good enough eyes for that already. My contacts can correct up to 20/40, but that’s not good enough. As for laser eye surgery, it’s illegal for pilots to have had surgery if they want to actually pilot anything or anyone but themselves. Granted, I wouldn’t mind flying by myself, but even lessons are extremely expensive, not to mention the aeroplane itself. Damn, I need that money tree again, don’t I? Well, fuck it all to hell. I really should’ve been born an eagle, or some other flying bird. I’d have been much happier.

July 22, 2003:
Ah yes, there have been many interesting developments in my life recently. And now I’m exhausted so I’m going to rest. Good evening, loves.

July 15, 2003:
|| Favourite: ||

  • 4 letter word: Free (as in “Freedom” and “The best things in life are free.”)
  • Actor/actress: Brad Culver and Julia Stiles
  • Board game: um, Mao, but it’s really a card game, not a board game
  • Book: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
  • Candy: I have no idea… Reese’s, maybe?
  • Cartoon: Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake. Oh yea, getting in touch with my 80’s roots.
  • Cereal: I don’t eat cereal.
  • Chewing gum: um, Trident?
  • Colour(s): black and violet.
  • Day of week: Wednesday because it’s ruled by Mercury, Gemini, and Virgo.
  • Flower: Edelweiss
  • Jell-O flavour: Jell-O has flavours? That’s new to me.
  • Jewellery: Hmm… my pentacle ring and class ring.
  • Special skills/talents: HTML, writing, singing, patience. In no particular order.
  • Summer/Winter: Winter because when you’re cold you can keep putting layers on to stay warm (provided you have such layers) but when you’re hot, eventually you have nothing left to take off.
  • Trampolines or swimming pools: Both, totally.

|| Person who last: ||

  • Called you: My mother.
  • Slept in your bed: One of my cats, Mimi Sequi Artayu… Mimi for short.
  • You went to the movies with: Bobby
  • Yelled at you: Um, I don’t know, that was a while ago. My sister, maybe?
  • Sent you an email: an Istniasa Coven member

|| Have you ever: ||

  • Said “I love you” and meant it?: Yes. I would never say it and not mean it; it would dishonour the person to whom I said it.
  • Kept a secret from everyone: Yes.
  • Cried during a movie: Yes.
  • Planned your week based on the TV Guide: No way. I don’t have cable, so why would I?
  • Been on stage: Yes, in the musical Damn Yankees.
  • Been to New York: Yep!! Whoo, go 02-03 Chamber Singers, baby!!
  • Been to California: Yes; I live there.
  • Hawaii: No.
  • Mexico: Yes, once.
  • China: No.
  • Canada: No.
  • Europe: No.
  • Asia: No.
  • South America: No, and I don’t really want to. Europe is more my style. However, if someone invited me to go with them to somewhere in South America, I wouldn’t turn them down if the cost was minimal to me.
  • Australia: No.
  • Wished you were the opposite sex: Yes.
  • What time is it now?: 12:19 PM PDT
  • Apples or bananas?: Apples please.
  • Blue or red?: Neither. Mix them together and get violet.
  • Wal-Mart or Target?: Um, who cares?
  • Spring or Fall?: Fall.
  • What are you going to do after you finish this?: Maybe start cleaning my room, but I doubt it.
  • High school or college?: HS or College what? Which is my favourite? Which one am I in? What?
  • Are you bored?: Rarely.
  • Last noise you heard?: 1/3 True Feelings by Siam Shade
  • Last smell you sniffed?: Um… my house?
  • Last time you went out of state/province?: In late March.

|| Friendship/Love: ||

  • Do you believe in love at first sight?: I don’t know. I haven’t given it enough thought to have a serious opinion.
  • Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: No, I don’t think so. But if I do have some, I’d want two. Maybe I’d adopt. I don’t know.
  • Most important thing to you in a friendship is: Love. One can love without understanding.

|| Other Info: ||

  • Criminal record?: No, and I don’t plan on getting one, either.
  • Do you speak any other languages?: Yes, a little German. Also Doubletalk and Pig Latin, if those count.
  • Name some of your favourite things in your bedroom?: My Raggedy Anne doll and my books.
  • Thing you dislike about yourself the most: Well, my face… Not that I don’t like it, but if I could change part of it, it would be smoother.
  • Worst feeling in the world: Envy.
  • Who you love: the Lord and Lady. My mother, father, brother, and sister. My friends. My education and knowledge. And my priorities always go in that order.

|| You: ||

  • Nickname(s): Omitted for privacy.
  • Initials: Omitted for privacy.
  • How old do you look?: Um, 20? I don’t know. People always say I look older than I am.
  • How old do you act?: My age.
  • How old are you?: No way am I saying.
  • Glasses/Contacts: Both.
  • Braces: Yes, I had them for six years. So anyone that complains about them, just come and talk to me. It could always be worse, trust me.
  • Do you have any pets?: Yes, I do.
  • You get embarrassed: Um… Is this a question or a statement? Yes, I get embarrassed sometimes, but I’m only human.
  • What makes you happy?: Reading, writing. Having those I love, love me back equally.
  • What upsets you?: When I know I’m right and someone insists I’m wrong. Then, when they finally find out I WAS right, they turn tails and say THEY said what I said along, so I’m wrong either way! I hate that soooo much.

|| Finish the sentence: ||

  • I Love to… read and write, especially when I’m inspired.
  • I Miss… a time when I didn’t have as much responsibility.
  • I Wish… parents would teach their children non-violence, and their children would listen.
  • I Hope… for good things to happen in the future that will benefit the whole world.
  • I’m Annoyed by… people who don’t know when to stop talking and can’t figure out that talking to fill the empty space isn’t always a good thing. Haven’t they ever heard of “comfortable silence”?
  • I Am… a Poet.
  • I Am Tired of… discrimination and prejudice.
  • I Will Always be… against war and for gay and lesbian rights.

|| Lasts: ||

  • Last movie you saw: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen starring Sean Connery as Mr. Allen Quartermain.
  • Last Phone Number You Called: Omitted for privacy.
  • Last show you watched on TV: Um… I don’t know. I haven’t watched TV seriously since school ended in the middle of June.

|| Have you ever: ||

  • Thought you were going to die: Yes, but obviously, I was mistaken.
  • Wanted to Run away: No, not that I recall.
  • Flunked a grade: No.
  • Skipped a grade: No, but I almost did once.

July 7, 2003:
A friend of mine asked me to describe what my perfect person would be like. This was my response (edited as I thought of more; for the sake of my sanity, I used female pronouns, although I don’t generally prefer one gender over another): “The gender is no matter. She’d have soft hair long enough to run my hands through and she would love me just as well for all my darkness as my light. She would write me poetry occasionally or pick a flower and bring it home to me because she thought of me when she saw it on the road. She would love children and animals and never abuse anyone, but be firm when she says no — or yes. She would want to change the world for the better as passionately as I do, maybe not in my field, but an activist of sorts… She would know my moods by the way I walk down the hall and know when to push me and when not to and when to hold me and when not to. We’d argue about some things but finally agree to disagree and she would play the piano, violin, or cello well. She would be able to cook, but make me learn how so she wouldn’t have to do it all the time. She would have as many quirks as I do and accept my loves without necessarily also loving them herself. She would love to read, be intelligent and romantic, and be against violence in general, including war. Her kiss would be sweet, her mystery alluring, and she would become more beautiful with the passing of time. And she would love me so deeply that it hurts, and I her.”

And then I said, “I long for my perfect person desperately.” I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m tired of standing by myself.

June 2003

June 20, 2003:
Ah yes, the Joy. This was my horoscope for Thursday before last, June 12th: “Are you an intellectual or a poet, dear Gemini, a novelist or a playwright? The celestial energy is leaving you alone with your anxieties and questions. You are sure of only one thing: words are friends you have decided to spend the rest of your life with. This is a kind of dream and a challenge that corresponds well to your Gemini identity. Get to work. You will find your vocation, as well as your passion, in your writing…” It felt oddly accurate. Up until recently, I thought horoscopes were pretty much crap, but more and more I’m taking what they have to say seriously because they have an unnerving way of being correct. At least in my life. Can’t speak for anyone else, I suppose. But then again, I can never speak for anyone else. I only know myself, I’m enough to handle without everyone else’s problems to deal with too, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, it’s all right. I don’t mind listening once in a while, but I don’t give advice very often. I don’t like receiving advice unless I ask for it, and I hate it when people try to tell me what’s best for me, you know? So, I try not to do that. Please, anyone I know, if I ever do that, let me know. Seriously, now. I don’t like being hypocritical. I’ve become cynical enough as it is from people I know being hypocritical themselves.

June 8, 2003:
My birthday was last Tuesday. I’m now officially legal; no longer a minor. Just thought I’d let you all know. And, this is the quiz for my sister, who wanted to take it but didn’t know where to go online to be able to.

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Moderate
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Low
Level 2 (Lustful) High
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Moderate
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Very Low
Level 7 (Violent) Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) High
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) Moderate

Take the Dante’s Inferno Test

Yes, so now I’m off to take a shower and crash. I swear, no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still tired. Oh, and by the by, I’m graduating a week from Wednesday. More random information for the internet world.