“For some reason, I don’t feel like I can just tell him he’s being inappropriate, or explain that I, like him, am a human being with rights, and I have decided that I want no involvement with him, and that he should, as another human being, respect that. This has gotten into my brain to the point where there are two extremes: terrified silence, and overpowering rage.” —still not shutting up
This this this one hundred thousand times this. I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
poem: December 21st, 2002
by: Brett Elizabeth Jenkins
It’s said it takes seven years
to grow completely new skin cells.
To think, this year I will grow
into a body you never will
Also, it’s really hard to explain to someone “I want to be with you forever and ever and ever and I want to wear a ring but like [I] don’t want that ring right now because…” I DONT KNOW.
…’cept I don’t want the ring ever, either.
Day 14: Write a letter to a hero who has let you down.
This is going to be a downer letter, and you know why. You’ve wasted so much time being paranoid, obsessed, anxious, and afraid, and it’s about time to cut it out. You could be my hero; there’s so much potential. Maybe even you once were, but you’ve been disappointing me for so long that I don’t remember that far back. You need to get your shit together, and you know it’s not going to be easy or quick. I think you can get back there, back to that place where I’m not ashamed of you and you’re my hero again. I hope you can because I don’t know if I can survive it otherwise.
Remember: if it hurts, it’s okay to let it go. If you can’t figure it out today, you can try again tomorrow. I love the little guy, but Yoda’s “Do or do not; there is no try” is complete and utter bullshit. Sometimes all there is is “try”… Don’t take that permanent solution; don’t let the darkness convince you it’s the right path. I swear to you, it isn’t. I know you’re hurting and you’re afraid of change, but the truth is, change can be a good thing. It’s not all monsters and nightmares. There’s a ray of light in your life, and you’ve done the right thing so far to cling to it. Be wary, though, that you don’t extinguish it. Don’t put your hope into that one ray; find the light inside yourself. You know it’s there, it’s just been buried for so long that you can’t remember what it looks or feels like. There is no substitution for your own self worth.
You are worth it. You could be my hero; I know you could. You don’t believe it now, but trust me. Trust the ray of light you’ve clung to thus far. If you’re anxious, breathe. If you’re paranoid, breathe. If you’re obsessed, breathe. If you’re afraid, breathe. I know that sometimes that’s all you can handle; that’s okay. You’re not a lesser person because of what goes on in your mind. You’re hurting, but you’re going to get better, and then you’ll be my hero again.
One thing at a time.
Dum spiro spero,
30 Days of Truth
POEM: To Mary
BY: Louis MacNeice
Forgive what I give you. Though nightmare and cinders,
The one can be trodden, the other ridden,
We must use what transport we can. Both crunching
Path and bucking dream can take me
Where I shall leave the path and dismount
From the mad-eyed beast and keep my appointment
In green improbable fields with you.