30 Days of Truth 27

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I’ve got a good support system for myself, finally, I think. Or rather, I have the skeleton of a good support system. I’m not better yet, but I’m pretty sure I have access to the tools now to get better. That’s the best thing I’ve got going for me right now. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than anything I’ve had since… well, maybe ever.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I have. Often, even. Here’s the thing, though. As a person who’s been depressed enough to want to take that permanent solution, let me just make on thing clear: I have never ever thought about it as “giving up on life”—when I’m thinking about it, it seems more like (1) the only good choice among a plethora of crappy choices, or (2) the only choice I have left that will make any positive impact.

When I’m thinking about it, it’s the only thing that I think will work. I mean, I’m in so much pain and dark emotion that “giving up on life” seems to me like the only way to fix it. Don’t you think that I would do whatever that other thing you’re thinking of if I could? If I thought there was another, better option, of course I would take it.

And just to mention it: don’t you dare call a person who’s committed suicide “selfish”. In that person’s mind, they are actually being selfless. They truly believe the darkness in their own heads and that “giving up” really will make it better for everyone, including themselves. You are thinking about it like a healthy person, which a severely depressed person is not.

Now, that being said: I’ve attempted suicide once in my life and come close on numerous other occasions. In high school, I attempted it but was stopped by someone who’s proven himself a good friend over and over despite my actually being a pretty shitty friend to him. Who the hell knows why he sticks around, but sometimes I think he’s the only sane thing I have in my life.

In college, I voluntarily admitted myself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital as a danger to myself. When the admitting social worker didn’t believe me (though he ended up admitting me anyway), I decided that I was never again going to tolerate such disbelief and, upon being released, began cutting. (I have since stopped, though the urge is still there sometimes.)

Since then, I have waffled between dysthymia and severe depression and the topic—that is, death by my own hand—has often crossed my mind.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose those songs.

Music shall never need explanation—especially songs with lyrics, since lyrics explain themselves—but here’s my list in any case.

Arms – Christina Perri
Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men
Dark Side – Kelly Clarkson
I Miss You – Blink 182
In the Cold, Cold Night – The White Stripes
Collapse the Light into Earth – Porcupine Tree
The Finish Line – Snow Patrol
Slow Me Down – Emmy Rossum
Breathe Me – Sia
Embers – Owl City
Madness – Muse
Where Do I Begin – The Chemical Brothers
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw
Behind Closed Doors – Rise Against
Stray Italian Greyhound – Vienna Teng
Vox Populi – 30 Seconds to Mars
In Between – Linkin Park
We Will Become Silhouettes – The Postal Service
Rebel Heart – The Corrs

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

I would really have liked to have taken colorguard (and winterguard) during my senior year of high school. I didn’t because I wanted to stand in solidarity with someone who I thought was my best friend who was leaving the team, but knowing what I know now, I would’ve been on the team despite my friend’s withdrawal.

30 Days of Truth