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30 Days of Truth 26

30 Days of Truth 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I have. Often, even. Here’s the thing, though. As a person who’s been depressed enough to want to take that permanent solution, let me just make on thing clear: I have never ever thought about it as “giving up on life”—when I’m thinking about it, it seems more like (1) the only good choice among a plethora of crappy choices, or (2) the only choice I have left that will make any positive impact.

When I’m thinking about it, it’s the only thing that I think will work. I mean, I’m in so much pain and dark emotion that “giving up on life” seems to me like the only way to fix it. Don’t you think that I would do whatever that other thing you’re thinking of if I could? If I thought there was another, better option, of course I would take it.

And just to mention it: don’t you dare call a person who’s committed suicide “selfish”. In that person’s mind, they are actually being selfless. They truly believe the darkness in their own heads and that “giving up” really will make it better for everyone, including themselves. You are thinking about it like a healthy person, which a severely depressed person is not.

Now, that being said: I’ve attempted suicide once in my life and come close on numerous other occasions. In high school, I attempted it but was stopped by someone who’s proven himself a good friend over and over despite my actually being a pretty shitty friend to him. Who the hell knows why he sticks around, but sometimes I think he’s the only sane thing I have in my life.

In college, I voluntarily admitted myself to the psychiatric unit of a hospital as a danger to myself. When the admitting social worker didn’t believe me (though he ended up admitting me anyway), I decided that I was never again going to tolerate such disbelief and, upon being released, began cutting. (I have since stopped, though the urge is still there sometimes.)

Since then, I have waffled between dysthymia and severe depression and the topic—that is, death by my own hand—has often crossed my mind.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 24

30 Days of Truth 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose those songs.

Music shall never need explanation—especially songs with lyrics, since lyrics explain themselves—but here’s my list in any case.

Arms – Christina Perri
Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men
Dark Side – Kelly Clarkson
I Miss You – Blink 182
In the Cold, Cold Night – The White Stripes
Collapse the Light into Earth – Porcupine Tree
The Finish Line – Snow Patrol
Slow Me Down – Emmy Rossum
Breathe Me – Sia
Embers – Owl City
Madness – Muse
Where Do I Begin – The Chemical Brothers
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw
Behind Closed Doors – Rise Against
Stray Italian Greyhound – Vienna Teng
Vox Populi – 30 Seconds to Mars
In Between – Linkin Park
We Will Become Silhouettes – The Postal Service
Rebel Heart – The Corrs

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 23

30 Days of Truth 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

I would really have liked to have taken colorguard (and winterguard) during my senior year of high school. I didn’t because I wanted to stand in solidarity with someone who I thought was my best friend who was leaving the team, but knowing what I know now, I would’ve been on the team despite my friend’s withdrawal.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 21

30 Days of Truth 21

Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident, but you two were in a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Are you serious? I drop everything and get to my friend’s side as fast as I can. It doesn’t matter if we’d been in a fight an hour before; it wouldn’t matter if we were fighting at that very moment. Life-and-death situations trump any anger I might harbor over something that will inevitably look trivial upon learning of said life-and-death situations.

30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth 20

30 Days of Truth 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Okay, this falls into three categories for me: prescriptions, street drugs, and alcohol.

First: Prescriptions
If used appropriately, then fine; prescriptions are between you and your doctor. If abused (used illegally), then see immediately below.

Second: Street Drugs
If you’re a contributing member of society and use or smoke socially (that is: once in a long while and you’re not addicted), I’m not going to look down on you, rat you out, or otherwise interfere in your business. Hell, I probably won’t even realize that you use or smoke. But, if I find out, I’m not going to stick around and get high with you, either, so just be aware of that.

If you’re an addict or are lying about your drug use or abusing someone because you can’t handle yourself, then you are a fuckwad dipshit and you need help. Do not expect me to have any sympathy for you whatsoever if and when you get your ass hauled off to jail.

Third: Alcohol trigger warning
I am a person who, if I had lived in the Prohibition Era, would’ve been dumping the barrels of gin and whiskey down the sewers. I hate alcohol, and it makes me sick to think about someone I love drinking it, whether I’m around them or not. I grew up in a dry household, and in college I cleaned up way too much drinking-induced vomit for alcohol ever to look good to me. During my junior year, I was assaulted and raped by a man I trusted after he’d had so much to drink that he couldn’t walk straight. (I was stone-cold sober.)

He claimed afterward that he couldn’t remember what happened and he wasn’t “that kind of guy” and I wanted to throw him down ten flights of stairs and burn his body beyond recognition. And I was the irrational one who must’ve “taken things out of context”… Fuck that. Thing is, I know—I know—that if he hadn’t been drinking, he wouldn’t have attacked me. He would’ve been in his right mind, and I wouldn’t still be dealing with the after-effects of the incident. If alcohol was wiped off the face of the planet tomorrow, it couldn’t be too soon.

30 Days of Truth