Category Archives: beda

BMW checkmate

Best reactive advertising I’ve ever seen. Someone who knows cars way better than I do (which, admittedly, isn’t difficult) said: “A4 vs M3 definitely not fair, but hell… Audi called down the Thunder … their fault for bringing a knife to a lightsaber battle” (Click the picture for a larger version.)

A Street

BY: Leonard Cohen

I used to be your favorite drunk
good for one more laugh
then we both ran out of luck
and luck was all we had

you put on a uniform
to fight the civil war
I tried to join but no one liked
the side I’m fighting for

so let’s drink to when it’s over
and let’s drink to when we meet
I’ll be stand on this corner
where there used to be a street

you left me with the dishes
and a baby in the bath
and you’re right with the militias
you wear their camouflages

I guess that makes us equal
but I want to march with you
an extra in the sequel
to the old red-white-and-blue

so let’s drink to when it’s over
and let’s drink to when we meet
I’ll be stand on this corner
where there used to be a street

I cried for you this morning
and I’ll cry for you again
but I’m not in charge of sorrow
so please don’t ask me when

I know the burden’s heavy
as you bear it through the night
some people say it’s empty
but that doesn’t mean it’s light

so let’s drink to when it’s over
and let’s drink to when we meet
I’ll be stand on this corner
where there used to be a street

it’s going to be September now
for many years to come
every heart adjusting
to that strict September drum

I see the ghost of culture
with numbers on his wrist
salute some new conclusion
which all of us have missed

so let’s drink to when it’s over
and let’s drink to when we meet
I’ll be stand on this corner
where there used to be a street


Is something I can’t get away from. It’s a habit; not a drug, exactly, but something that shadows me where ever I go. Even if I never told another lie ever in my life, I’d still have to deal with all the crap I’ve already put people through. Bennett always lied (still does lie, I presume) to avoid confrontation. I’m the kind of person who will tell the truth until it’s advantageous for me to bend it. As a writer, I’d like to think I’m the master of words, but really, I’m just someone who can eek out an idea with words where there wasn’t one before.

For example, I was talking with Zekor the other day about the phrase “and a criminal record like Jack the Ripper‘s” (original context is here, in case anyone cares)… As in “I have a criminal record like Jack the Ripper’s.” Now, think about that for a minute. I know what she thinks she means when she says that, but what is she really saying? She thinks she’s telling people, “I have a criminal record” (this part is pretty self-explanatory) “like Jack the Ripper’s [criminal record]”.. in other words, she’s a notorious murderer who (was never) has never been caught. It was stated facetiously—one can only hope—so it’s not like anyone is going to put a lot of thought into what the words actually imply. Except me, apparently.

Is she talking about Jack the Ripper, the person who killed those women and was never caught, or Jack the Ripper, the persona who haunted many of those poor policemen into their last days? Presumably, the former is a person who didn’t have a record at all, or at least not one we know anything about; if he had, he’d have been caught and punished. The latter, however, has a record so intriguing that multiple academics have earned their doctorates on the evidence (or lack thereof). Indeed, if someone had actually caught the person responsible for the Whitechapel murders (for which Saucy Jack is so famous)—that is, the former Jack in my above question—the allure would be gone. The mystery and intrigue would disappear. Monsters under the bed are scarier when they can’t be seen, after all, because the imagination makes things worse than they actually are. Jack—the latter Jack, I mean, now—is so frustrating and fascinating precisely because we almost have enough information, enough to think we maybe actually do have enough, but the answer keeps slipping through our collective fingers.

So, with all that in mind, does saying “I have a criminal record like Jack the Ripper’s” mean that she has a record, or not? And what does this have to do with lying, anyway?

My point is that, while Bennett may just want to avoid confrontation (and he surely did want to avoid it with at least some of the people in his life, at least while I knew him), I am more the kind of person who gets caught up in the meaning of the words. That is, I sometimes believe my own lies; I figure that if even I don’t believe them, why would anyone else? (The answer is actually: people believe what they want whether you’re telling the truth or not, but that’s for a different entry.) I’m also the kind of person who will tell an almost-truth: something that is plausible, realistic, and may even be true for someone else, but is still a lie coming from me. Those, I have found, are the worst kind because they lay the foundation for some of the more outrageous lies to which I’ve been privy.

I’d like to live in a world where I could swear off all lying forever and actually being to keep that promise, but I can’t. The world’s not like that. Scientists have found that regular people lie twice a day on average. Let me repeat: regular people lie twice a day on average. That means usually “little white lies” to keep the peace or keep some fragile ego intact. In fact, lying is often masquerading as “polite society” and “etiquette” and “good manners”… which is bullshit. Anyway, it’s not like I have it as easy an alcoholic or someone addicted to tobacco*—at least they have the option of never picking up a drink or cigarette again, however difficult that may be. No, the problem I have is more like the one people who are obese have. It’s not like you can just stop eating and everything is fixed; no, you have to regulate yourself. If you don’t eat, you’ll die, simple as that. I’m not saying I’ll die if I don’t lie, but it’s not like people want to be around someone who is brutally honest 100% of the time. They say they wouldn’t mind it, maybe, but that’s only until I offend them by not thinking about their own sensibilities.

I just lose myself to the words: a cruel, cruel mistress.

— — — —
* Alcoholism and addiction are serious problems; I’m not saying alcoholics and addicts have it easy… they don’t.

One Day Without Shoes

One Day Without Shoes

I forgot I pledged to do this when I created my to do list yesterday. *sigh* Not wearing shoes in New York, even for just a day, isn’t going to be easy. I don’t have to walk in volcanic soil (see the video, below), but it’s basically the same… it being New York, of all places. I have to get cat food, which means I have to go into a store, which probably won’t allow me in without shoes. This could be problematic. *thinks* If I go into one of those little 24-hour convenience places, maybe they won’t notice because all the aisles are literally like 3 feet wide. It’s not like there’s a lot of space in New York, as anyone who lives here will know, but I certainly can’t go into a Rite Aid or CVS barefoot. This could take some creative thinking.

<_< Watch me be arrested or something and miss the whole writing weekend altogether. hahaha ^_^;;; I've never had to work my magic on a police officer. We'll see what happens.

The next couple of days

map out manuscript
work on a TPS report
write posts for weekend for BEDA
write near-death experience assignment
check WebCT

check with fellow writers to see if I should bring anything
get dry cat food for Cleo
check for/mail necessary mail stuffs
clean out cat litter
pack for weekend

up at 6:30 to get to Port Authority by 8:30
bus to Wilkes-Barre
hitch a ride with Donna to Caledonia State Park
writers’ weekend!

Last updated: 19 April 2009, 23:52 EDT, after the fact

Chamber Singers

Recently, I’ve had this hankering for nostalgia. I think I’ve seen enough “life” by now to be able to miss “the good old days” without having some old geezer yell at me for being “too young to really understand.” Yes, I’m bitter. I’m plenty bitter, thank you. You know what? I’m getting older every single day and one of these days, old geezer, you’re going to be dead and I’m just going to laugh.

I missed “the good old days” enough to pull out my CDs and put in some of LCHS Chamber Singers’ music from 2001-2003. I was only in Chamber my senior year, but I knew people in it before that and remember memorizing some of the stuff they sang because it was so beautiful. (In case Dave is reading this: I’m talking about “She Walks in Beauty”, “And So It Goes”, and “My Love Walks in Velvet”; and to a lesser degree, “Water Night”, and “Cloudburst”. Some of the music I learned my senior year overlapped with previous years, so I also learned “Lux Arumque”, “O Magnum Mysterium”, and “A Glimpse of Snow and Evergreen” among others, like all the holiday songs we had to memorize for all those private concerts.)

I was reminiscing. I was the alto selected from Chamber to sing in the grand concert in New York; I was selected, along with three other people (one soprano, one tenor, and one bass), to represent Chamber to the rest of the choirs there at the competition. On of the pieces we sang was “Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?” arranged by Z. Randall Stroope, who also conducted. I remember him looking out at all of us—the voices each representing a different choir—giving us notes and saying something like, “Oh, and that diminuendo is actually supposed to be a crescendo; the composer doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” And we all laughed because he was the composer. I didn’t realize at that time how much of an honor it was to sing under his direction, but I’m thankful now. I fell in love with that song and the sonnet upon which it is based. It’s still one of my favorites.

I was thinking about Chamber because I have plenty of regrets. I regret not being more disciplined. I regret my sister not getting in to Chamber the following year, or the one after that. And the more I think about it, I don’t think I’d go back, at least not for Chamber. I loved it. I was in love with the music my senior year, and for all the other things I wasn’t able to do, I could still sing. But it wasn’t like what I remember, really. A lot of it sucked; I didn’t like many of my fellow choir members, for example. As Chamber Singers, we were full of ourselves, and I don’t want that back. We sang well, but we weren’t as good as we thought. Memories are really just the gold-dusted version of actual events because, honestly, who wants to remember the crappy stuff? No one.

It makes my heart ache to think about high school. I miss it so much, but I know I can’t go back, and I don’t think I would even if I could. I’d do a lot of things differently, knowing what I know now, and I’d be a different person today. I don’t like who I am right now, but I can’t hate myself. There’s too much good in me to hate myself. That is, there have been too many good things I’ve been a part of that I would dishonor if I hated myself or my current situation. But that doesn’t mean that Chamber—or any other part of high school, for that matter—was really “the good old days”. I don’t believe in “the good old days” anymore. I can only believe in the good things and try to correct the bad if I can. Either way, I can’t go back, so I have to let go before I’m trapped in the past like those old geezers who look at me and tell me I’m “not old enough to understand”.

But, I can’t forget, either. I have to love and forgive all the shitty things that I’ve done and that have happened. I can’t forget, or the things that I must live to honor will be lost, for I’m the only one who can honor them in my way.

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

What the feck?

Dear Bobby,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me in your closet and I saw you sit on my Blink 182 CD. I’m sure you’re ashamed enough to understand that your Ford sucks. I’m returning your old Jonas Brothers blanket to you, but I’ll keep your criminal record as a memory. You should also know that I always will remember the pep talks and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

Please don’t hurt me (go milk a cow!),

Here’s how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(Your name)

KEY: If – Then

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – I’m in love with your cat
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black – Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey – You’re a leprechaun
Yellow – I’m selling myself for candy
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other – I dislike your eyelashes

2. Which is your birth month?
January – When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on peanut butter
May – When I finally changed my underwear
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August – When you kicked my butt
September – Last year when you peed your pants
October – That night you picked your nose
November – When your dog humped my leg
December – When I threw up in your sock drawer

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – In your apartment
Chicken – In your car
Pasta – In your closet
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Mac And Cheese Dinner
Lasagna – Outside your office
Kebab – With Jean Chrétien
Seafood – In a clown suit
Sandwiches – At the Elton John concert
Pizza – At the mental ward
Hot dog – Under a street light
Other – With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – Ignore
Red – Put whipped cream on
Black – Hit on
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – bite off
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the pants off of
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive over

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – My boyfriend
White – My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple – My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue – My salt-beef bucket
Yellow – My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange – My Blink 182 CD
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other – The elephant in the corner

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill – Senile
Heroes – Frostbitten
Lost – High
Simpsons – Cowardly
The news – Scarred
American Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Open
Top Model – Middle-class
Other – ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy – How awesome you are
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – that i get turned on only by garbage men
Angry – That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited – That I may pee my pants
Nervous – The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried – That your Ford sucks
Apathetic – That you need a sex-change
Silly – That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly – That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed – That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other – That your driving sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your toe ring
Yellow – Your love letters to me
Red – The pictures from Vegas
Black – Your pet rock
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – Your car
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your nose hair clippers
Grey – Our matching snoopy socks
Purple – Your old Jonas Brothers blanket
Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your Hannah Montana underwear

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B – My virginity
C/D – Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F – Your neighbors dog
G/H – The oil tank from your car
I/J – Your left ear
K/L – The results of that blood-sample
M/N – Your glass eye
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z – Your credit cards

10. The first letter in your last name?
A/B – Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D – Always will remember the pep talks
E/F – Never will forget that nightalway
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L – Hate your cooking
M/N – Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P – Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R – Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T – Always wanted to break your legs
U/V – Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X – Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk – The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – I have a passionate interest for mice
Whiskey – I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia – Greetings to your frog Leonard
France – Love always
Spain – With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan – Go milk a cow
Greece – your everlasting enemy
USA – Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt